If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied,
Illuminate the 'no's on their 'vacancy' signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks,
Then I'll follow you into the dark.
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So what if you can see the darker side of me?
Hedonist, headbanger, heathen.
Sapphic, self-sustainable, smart (enough).
Musical, melancholic, me.
Twisted, tempremental,tame.
Determined, decided, disjointed.
Fast, fierce, free.
That's me in a nutshell, if I could fit into one anyway.
Who can tell me what love is?
I wish you could.
Hedonist, headbanger, heathen.
Sapphic, self-sustainable, smart (enough).
Musical, melancholic, me.
Twisted, tempremental,
Determined, decided, disjointed.
Fast, fierce, free.
That's me in a nutshell, if I could fit into one anyway.
Who can tell me what love is?
I wish you could.
Sex
Drugs
Rock
&
Roll
Drugs
Rock
&
Roll
Designer: Trash.co
Basecodes: Detonatedlove
Image: Ohhspontaneityy
Brushes: Moargh, Aethereality
Font: Dafont
Image host: Photobucket
Scripts: Dynamic Drive
feels like it's taking me forever.
over CNY, i met up with an old family relation... a guy who used to work, get drunk, and otherwise share in all the AF experiences with my dad. today, he died.
i don't know why i'm so shocked.
i guess it's scary to be alive one minute, and dead the next. i've never been afraid of death - not my own, anyway - but for some reason nowadays i keep clinging on to my life. more than ever. i don't know, now i just feel like i should be alive... i don't want this to end so quickly. suicide's the furthest from my mind as it has been in the past 5 years of my life, but i see no point in it anymore.
i realise, nothing's broken.
and my grandma's death anniversary is tomorrow. she was a strong woman, but most of all, she was a woman who'd seen it all - i wish i could be like her. ready for everything, disappointed by nothing, unstoppable and unattainable.
cozad's death anniversary's on tuesday. there's so much i wish i could've said to him, how i was in love with him, and in love with his eyes, and in love with his sadness. he was beautiful, he was beautiful in all his sorrow. and he never hid his feelings. no matter what. and i wish i could be like him too, because he wasn't afraid of others seeing him cry, and he wasn't afraid of letting me know he loved me... because he never, ever doubted me. cozad, i miss you. but i've learnt to let go.
"the world is a beautiful place, believe me. just because i don't see it anymore doesn't mean you shouldn't."
today very very emotional. idk why. i was just, emotional. Zan sent me a sweet letter, and S said some of the most touching things i've heard recently, and i was happy to see her smile again, but i was... falling apart. inside. seeing Ben smiling at me, i miss sitting with her. i wish i knew what she was smiling about. i'm sorry Bernice, but well i get jealous so badly when i see you guys laughing to yourselves. i guess Ben was everything i had once upon a time, and she has a place in my heart no one else can ever take, ever. i just want her back.
it's all i want, to see your face every day.
furthermore, Bashir. oh, Bashir. why do you have to be so nice to me? i wish i could say,"Don't wait for me, move on, I'm not worth it." but part of me hopes you'll wait. i can't say i'm worth it, but you're the only one who's ever taken such a huge chance on me. for so long. at such a young age. and how could i not love you? i'm sorry to keep you waiting, but i just want to heal. i haven't healed from anything starting from Cozad, til now. that whole time frame of my life has been a whirlwind, and it's not stopping.
& i don't know why
you'd even try, but i won't lie.
Castro's finally quitting. THANK GOD.
that was random.
oh yeah, CT tomorrow. i'm sad that there's no compo. haven't you heard? words are all i live for, and all i live by.
however, trigo's not.
which is why i'm off. BYE FAITHFUL READERS.
(ps : we hardly speak, but the glances i steal. gosh i adore you. really, let's get married.)
INLOVEWITHALESANA, THANKYOUKATTANDTHANKYOUNICO, ILOVEYOU (:
the only eyes you'll look into,
are those in your reflection.
Basecodes: Detonatedlove
Image: Ohhspontaneityy
Brushes: Moargh, Aethereality
Font: Dafont
Image host: Photobucket
Scripts: Dynamic Drive
10:33 AM, Thursday, February 21, 2008
waiting, for this life to changefeels like it's taking me forever.
over CNY, i met up with an old family relation... a guy who used to work, get drunk, and otherwise share in all the AF experiences with my dad. today, he died.
i don't know why i'm so shocked.
i guess it's scary to be alive one minute, and dead the next. i've never been afraid of death - not my own, anyway - but for some reason nowadays i keep clinging on to my life. more than ever. i don't know, now i just feel like i should be alive... i don't want this to end so quickly. suicide's the furthest from my mind as it has been in the past 5 years of my life, but i see no point in it anymore.
i realise, nothing's broken.
and my grandma's death anniversary is tomorrow. she was a strong woman, but most of all, she was a woman who'd seen it all - i wish i could be like her. ready for everything, disappointed by nothing, unstoppable and unattainable.
cozad's death anniversary's on tuesday. there's so much i wish i could've said to him, how i was in love with him, and in love with his eyes, and in love with his sadness. he was beautiful, he was beautiful in all his sorrow. and he never hid his feelings. no matter what. and i wish i could be like him too, because he wasn't afraid of others seeing him cry, and he wasn't afraid of letting me know he loved me... because he never, ever doubted me. cozad, i miss you. but i've learnt to let go.
"the world is a beautiful place, believe me. just because i don't see it anymore doesn't mean you shouldn't."
today very very emotional. idk why. i was just, emotional. Zan sent me a sweet letter, and S said some of the most touching things i've heard recently, and i was happy to see her smile again, but i was... falling apart. inside. seeing Ben smiling at me, i miss sitting with her. i wish i knew what she was smiling about. i'm sorry Bernice, but well i get jealous so badly when i see you guys laughing to yourselves. i guess Ben was everything i had once upon a time, and she has a place in my heart no one else can ever take, ever. i just want her back.
it's all i want, to see your face every day.
furthermore, Bashir. oh, Bashir. why do you have to be so nice to me? i wish i could say,"Don't wait for me, move on, I'm not worth it." but part of me hopes you'll wait. i can't say i'm worth it, but you're the only one who's ever taken such a huge chance on me. for so long. at such a young age. and how could i not love you? i'm sorry to keep you waiting, but i just want to heal. i haven't healed from anything starting from Cozad, til now. that whole time frame of my life has been a whirlwind, and it's not stopping.
& i don't know why
you'd even try, but i won't lie.
Castro's finally quitting. THANK GOD.
that was random.
oh yeah, CT tomorrow. i'm sad that there's no compo. haven't you heard? words are all i live for, and all i live by.
however, trigo's not.
which is why i'm off. BYE FAITHFUL READERS.
(ps : we hardly speak, but the glances i steal. gosh i adore you. really, let's get married.)
INLOVEWITHALESANA, THANKYOUKATTANDTHANKYOUNICO, ILOVEYOU (:
the only eyes you'll look into,
are those in your reflection.