Drop Dead, Gorgeous.

2008-06-23T20:47:00.000+08:00

reduisons nos peines,
achevons nous pour le plaisir
buvons a nos haines,
distillons de nos souvenirs.

that quote means alot to me, that song does.

i realise i can be quite influential. not to brag or anything, but i've noticed lately that when i tell people things, it somehow affects the way they think about other things. maybe that's why i have a lot in common with a lot of people, and why i can finish other people's sentences even if we're not close. and this is also probably why nowadays i'm getting along with people increasingly well. i find lately that i seem to be considered a 'close' friend by many people who i hardly even know, and i guess this gets scary.

i'm the kind of person who means it when i say, i like being alone. i really do. i hate being popular, famous, well-known, gossiped about, publicised, etc... it's always been a nightmare for me everytime gossip flies. i'm still not used to it. i'm the kind of person who lives a peaceful, self-dependent, and most of all contained existence. i'm outgoing only to a small group of people but i'm not really a social butterfly. don't wanna be, never will be.

they say popularity matters. i don't think so. i'm not popular, but i know people talk about me, and that in itself is enough to piss me off. seriously i wish i went back to how i was in sec 2, virtually unknown and happy with it. i hate it when people pretend to know me when they don't. my public persona, is not always me. it's me being polite, or friendly. the real me can get moody, wants to be alone, and is happiest at home, writing something or reading, or out by myself just reflecting.

i'm not aware of too many things
i know what i know if you know what i mean.

prelims are coming, and i'm determined not to fxck it up. but i can't study 24/7. so, i'm gonna find a way to balance work and fun. if not, i'll go mad. ben's right, i shouldn't be happy of what i have, mediocre grades. i won't settle for less. i'm going to ACSI come hell or high water or stress, and i do keep my promises. friends, i'll still be there for you. i'll still go out shopping and having fun. it's something i need. and i'll still definitely run errands for you, because i'm gonna force myself to handle it.

and so, nothing's gonna change, except the way i see my life. i'm gonna simply shut out any drama, fighting and popularity contests and publicity, and now nothing exists, but my own drive to succeed and my pride.

you're the one who walked right through me
now you're saying that you knew me
when i was invisible.

2008-06-22T18:32:00.000+08:00

I want you to know
With everything, I won't let this go
These words are my heart and soul
And I'll hold on to this moment you know
As I bleed my heart out to show
And I won't let go.

don't feel like going to school tomorrow. U.G.H. but oh well i feel accomplished, finished my homework for once (at least amost all). yeahh. not much to blog these days but i'll be changing blog soon? so yeah. love.

OH BY THE WAY! I'M IN LOVE WITH APOCOLYPTICA! Omg. I love En Vie and I Don't Care (featuring the very sexy three days grace dude.) hot video, hot vocals. yeah, and i've fallen in love with sum 41's "with me", too. and totally i bought a lomo. and a dress. i'm bimbo-ing, but i don't care. ah, you know i guess i do miss school - just a little.

... no, actually, not really. i just miss some aspects of it.

Here's my heart, I'll let you break it
Touched your skin and I can take it.

2008-06-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

so breathe in so deep,
breathe me in, i'm yours to keep
and hold on to your words, cause talk is cheap
and remember me tonight, when you're asleep.

you were right, i can't really focus cause all i can see is...

2008-06-07T20:25:00.001+08:00

I find this sick, absolutely sick and wrong and disgusting.
http://news.sg.msn.com/lifestyle/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1437912

Horrific, a breach of human rights and not to mention an invasion of personal privacy. Really, the world would be a better place if things like this didn't happen and people just lived as they were.
Anyway though, I'd never turn straight even if I had to go for that brainwashing programme.

Ugh. ANGSTY.

But let's forget that. I wanna go late-night shopping. I miss shopping!

I miss B ):

Today was just a brain-numbing day, had a good sleep and a good cry and basically well, I'm being myself again.

'til tonight do us part.

2008-06-05T20:01:00.000+08:00

OMG SAW A WALLET AT FLASH N SPLASH I'M IN LOVE WITH. Okay, two. One red one and one pink and black Paul Frank one. Sum likes the red (mais bien sur!) and I'm indecisive as per usual. Gahh. Oh Sum looks so hot in that dress, I wanted one like that! Grr. Stupid skinny girl ♥

Oh I wanna go shopping, just looking at the stuff at ohgoodnessgolly.livejournal.com. Seriously their stuff is damn cute. HAHA. I'm turning ah lian. AND THEY SELL LOMOS. I've fallen in love with Lomos, EmoBoy I wanna keep yours. Kidding! I shall go buy my own. I like this : http://community.livejournal.com/ohgoodnessgolly/232157.html#cutid1
and
http://community.livejournal.com/ohgoodnessgolly/228664.html#cutid1

blech never mind I'll shop in Perth (:

You know what? I'm happy. Loads of B today and Bel and Sum. She was thrilled with the photo, btw. Yeah. Good day, I tell you.

TOMORROW'S CLASS OUTING! Am gonna attempt to rollerblade with Ben, JH gonna cycle. It's gonna be cool, considering I never went for a class outing ever. Mhmm.

Oh, Maris emailed me, so did Prar, which fuelled the :DDD-ness.

B, Prom Night? Haha. Oh and, ILY.

Alright, I'm now off to fulfill my babysitting duties (N's friends over). Yepp. Text it up.

Mom thinks I look like Rihanna in this shot :

I want this hair, but well I should let it grow out luh.

http://www.javno.com/slike/slike_3/r1/g2008/m01/x66162241311788050_3.jpg

HAHA, AND EVERYONE REFUSES TO LET ME CUT!
Except Sum.

2008-06-04T22:52:00.001+08:00

fxck luh, why do i miss all the people i can't talk to right now.
wth.
COME.BACK.NOW.

2008-06-04T22:47:00.000+08:00

that was quite a show,
very entertaining.

Obama got it!
YEAH (:

Okay aside from that I feel like shxt.
Daddy's gone, Mama's not being herself and I hate being sick.

But I'm still making myself busy.
Because, Kim never has time to sulk...
There's a world to save.

Male Lolita : Alright, after so long, I don't know if this is worth it. But I'll be here whenever you think you miss/love me. It sucks that way, but hey, you've moved on.

Prar : So tempted today to stand under your block and cry and wait for you to come back. Idk. I miss you. I wake up and see your photo every day, sometimes it rips my heart to shreds...

Sum : Anything you say, babe.

Sherry : I'M SO SORRY! Haha. But I'll make it fun kay!

but it's over now.

2008-05-31T20:43:00.001+08:00

If I had it my way,
We'd talk and talk all day.

I love this openness we have.
I love our phone conversations.
I love our MSN messages.
I love you.

You, I'm sorry I can never be there 100%. No explanations needed.

2008-05-30T21:38:00.000+08:00

HAHA, okay today was a pretty good day but i felt very whiney/manja and all and it kinda sucked cause... ):
anyway i feel like assigning everyone a quote.

B -

Bel -

Sum -

Prarthana -

Val -

Benji -
And, I wonder if you'll see this cause everytime I hear this line I think of you...

2008-05-28T18:53:00.000+08:00

i'm learning to breathe
i'm learning to crawl
i'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall.

2008-05-28T18:51:00.000+08:00

but nothing compares to a quiet evening alone.

'That's What You Get' by Paramore's quite addictive.

i don't want to post an emo post, cause it's boring to those of you who still read me, but i guess i'm growing weary. i don't know. so many times, i'm tempted to call everyone up and say,"goodbye, i'm leaving this country, i'm gonna conveniently fall out of touch with you," not because they've been bad to me but because i can't be there for them anymore. i'm only gonna let them down. it's easy for me to wish i wasn't human, so i wouldn't feel hurt, or sick of it all, as i do, but it's not possible for me to be anything else. i only wish that... just for a day or two, things would all be stable and calm and peaceful, without any effort on my part.

i've said this before, but my life is like a series of seesaws. when one party's on good terms with me, the other party gets upset. and vice versa. now imagine this, every day with different people. i'm tired of instability. life's exciting enough without it, at least for now. i don't need that kind of excitement like i once craved. i just want my peace and quiet.

call me reclusive, but i don't like getting so close to so many people. it just happens. and i've never been afraid of trusting, but lately i remember all those times my trust was betrayed, and i sincerely wonder why on earth i keep doing it. it's like playing Russian Roulette, with yourself.

i could use a fresh beginning, too.

i know who i am and i will stand up for myself, but i can't promise any of you that i can be who you want me to be. i can't be perfect, i can't be there for you all the time, i can't always be understanding and patient and listen to you, i can't give you any advice, and i can't always tolerate your bad moods. i have my own bad moods too. i too feel like i should just run away, but i stay and listen and do my best for you, because i do, contrary to popular belief, care.

i'm gonna be distant for the next few days/weeks, because i want to be somewhere peaceful and if that exists only in my mind, then so be it. i'm not living a lie, i'm just meditating in my own non-spiritual way.

because it gets to a point where i don't know what to do anymore, but i don't wanna let go of anything.

and all this drama, why? well, i've let you down again... and i can't bear to do it anymore. i'm sorry.

'cause we lost it all
and we can't go back,
i'm sorry i can't be Perfect.

2008-05-24T20:05:00.001+08:00

So here I stand with broken bones
Trying hard to make you smile
Don’t you think it’s time
Having gone without you for a while
Here I stand with broken bones
Trying hard to make you smile.

omg i really am not looking forward til tomorrow.
with a bit of luck, i could just sleep the days away.

homework's waiting.
i haven't touched it.
ugh, i don't wanna think about it.

2008-05-24T19:53:00.001+08:00

'Cause I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from these sentences
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again.

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out.

i know i miss you.

2008-05-23T22:10:00.001+08:00

THE BEN AND KIM SHOW WON BEST DELEGATION! :DDDDDDDDDDDD

BEN I'm so proud of you. I LOVE you. This just shows, we fit together as a team, and I don't know what I'd have done without you. You're still my favourite partner and you always will be. I hope that even after JC, if we sadly don't go to the same one, our paths will cross again and... I'll get to enjoy your energy for a day more. Thank you for pushing me, whether in Mass Run or writing resolutions at 4 am, further and higher than I've ever been. I owe alot to you, and you know what? I love you so much.

SOMEONE ponned school today! ): BLECH. Sue you. HAHA. You need to get your stuff from Sum!

Sum and I had a heart-to-heart today. I'm sorry for not being myself lately, alot of things were bugging me and I didn't open up to you. I know you're there for me and I'm sorry for treating you unfairly. I don't ever wanna let you go. I'm so sorry for ever hurting you. I promise I'll try and control my emotions better.

Bumped into EmoBoy at Far East. CHICKEN HEAD! Haha. Sum kept saying,"SHE'S A GUY!". Haha, oxymoronic phrase much?

Bought a sweater and Sum bought her dress. She looks hot in it. Like seriously I'd look ridiculous and fat but she looks model-y.

SPEAKING OF FAT, I bought a bigger shirt and I look overgrown. Ughh. Well at least it's more airy.

French + Daddy tomorrow, who's gonna freak out at my pink FBTs, oh wello. And Ling Ling! :DDD But hopefully no pretty girls sit behind my aunty while she's asking me weird questions.

CrezMUN was so fun, I especially wanna thank Iraq for the patience, Czech Republic for the moral support and resilience, Panama for the friendliness and anyone that made the whole thing meaningful. Fierce and fabulous, y'all rock (:

Found out weird stuff today... Oh well. Guess I'm not as invisible as I thought, but whether it's for the right reasons or not, I can't tell.

I miss You.

The road outside my house,
Is paved with good intentions.

Like Saturday nights, I'll be gone.

2008-05-21T19:55:00.000+08:00

"I’m really not as stubborn as I seem,"
Said the knuckle to the concrete.

thanks much to Bloodlust for the smiles. Haha. Love you, gangsterhead.

Ugh, I want you to come back nownownownow i'm gonna die from missing you so much. Grrr. Darn it, you're 2 weeks late.

I realise that passe though they may be, I love Yellowcard. I like the lyrics to 'Rough Draft', it sounds pretty me.

Huh today was pretty good, on the half and half. School was so-so, I got to hang out with the Unclique Clique, which was pretty funny.

Sherry : Hey people -
Bernice : WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME A HIPPO!

Idiots! HAHA.

After school I went to classe de chants after grabbing a drink with Sick Kid. then went to meet Emo Bung at PS. She dyed the bottom of her hair green again! Her mom's gonna kill her okay. Pon school to do it too. Slacker! then we grabbed donuts (i was broke though) and yeah. Chatted for a long time, before she had to run off, and met Mama at Bishan for noodles. Then came home and am now debating with Raun over whether hot girls would go for him. I say they won't, other than Prar who just has bad taste.

Maybe it's childish and maybe it's wrong
But so is your blank stare in lieu of this song.

I'm damne xcited for monday! Sherry was damn funny, cause she was like,'YES!' really loudly at me and she saud she wanted to be 'romantic' about it, so Rab thought I asked her out HAHA. it just sounded wrong.

ARCHULETA'S SO TALENTED. His voice is so silky smooth. Goshhh. My mom thinks I should marry a boy like that, HAHA. But Cook's gonna win luh. Just hear all the girls screaming!

I'll overcome gravity if I must.

MY RESO'S GONNA BE DEBATED CRAP.

2008-05-19T11:11:00.001+08:00

I'll show you the time, of your life
I'll walk you home safe, from the dark
I'll give you my jacket, I'll give you my heart
~~Am I alone?~~
Doing all I can do, just to be close to you
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat
Every time that we meet, I skip a heartbeat.

I miss you.

2008-05-18T18:54:00.000+08:00

I spoke to many people today. Not one of them bothered to ask me if I was okay, because let me just admit that I'm not.
Except you.
I'm getting more attached to you, and you don't even know it.

It was nice of you to offer to come over to help me with the chords. Thank you.

I was listening to 'Anywhere' on the bus. It reminded me of how I used to feel about you in the days before we became awkward. Come back soon, and call me.

& there's no voice of reason inside you
& you search for meaning
on an empty shelf
then you're always dreaming
of somewhere else.

2008-05-18T14:32:00.000+08:00

I am not your trophy.

2008-05-18T14:30:00.000+08:00

It's not fxcking fair.

We broke up so long ago. So long ago. And I hate to admit it, but til today, you still have a power over me.

You called just now, because you needed to take your anger out on someone. The really sad part is, I let you. I tolerate all the things you say, even the nice ones because I know they're lies, because you still have that control of me.

Did it even occur to you what I went through for you? How the things you put me through hurt me and still affect me til today? I don't even know how deep you've gone. But I know that because of you, I'm terrified of people I love suddenly not loving me anymore - even if I've been told that's not true. Because of you, I'm terrified of being imperfect because I wasn't good enough for you, and you made me think I wasn't good enough for anyone. Because of you, I don't fight back often. Because of you, I always get around to hating and blaming myself for everything that's out of my control. Because of you, I let people toy around with how I feel, saying they love me one minute and yelling at me the next. Because of you, I've forgotten how it feels like to be in control of myself, because I operate on other people's emotions and thoughts. And because of you, I can't connect the dots between love and intimacy, because you made me feel like it was one or the other.

You told me I was never gonna be perfect in anyone's eyes, that people only liked me because I bent over backwards for them, that I had to do so many things just to hear you say,"I love you," til it didn't mean a thing, that no one would love me, even that people talked to me because they felt sorry for me and the fact that I was a loner.

All these things are lies, and yet I feel them constantly echoing in my head. Do you know that everytime I see a lover walk away, or a friend, I break down worse than I should? Do you know how often I hate everything about myself? And how, when someone says they don't love me, even while they're holding my hand, I'm so used to it that I can't even bring myself to blame them for once? I don't care who stops me anymore, this is how I feel, now.

I'm sick of being at your mercy. Everytime you verbally abused me, or took out your anger on me, and yes I still remember how it felt, and everytime your moodswings turned violent, I just stood there and believed it was my fault. Fxck you.

I don't know, do any of you understand? And if you do, how do you get out of it?

I miss B... I miss that warmth and that familiarity. I really don't know how I'd get used to anyone else.

Whoa, I want to hate you half as much
As I hate myself
And know that I could crush you with my voice.

2008-05-16T21:41:00.001+08:00

HAHA, this sounds wrong but I'm sleeping with a delegate tonight!

HAHA.

Sorry, am a bit nuts and she's entertaining me with her exercises to get a slim and sexy figure.
Loserfaceidiot.

I'm damn happy, because of You. I didn't know things would be this wonderful. I love you. I. Love. You.

I can't wait for you to shut me up.

2008-05-15T20:42:00.000+08:00

(backspaced)

I initially typed out a long post about results and all, but I decided to do what I've been told and stop consoling people. "You're already nice as it is and you shouldn't subject yourself to this," she said.

I was disappointed about A Maths because I didn't achieve my goal. But you know what? I will, someday. I'm gonna pwn for Prelims. I'm not saying this out of arrogance or egoism. I'm saying this out of... Perfectionistic tendencies. I'm not a perfectionist per se, but I get uneasy when I know I made careless and stupid mistakes.

I more or less got really depressed on the way home. I didn't talk to anyone much even when I did get home, and to my dismay, Benji was over again. But he was nice today. He listened to me rant about how I want to do better, because I guess I'm just hungry for success, and about how I'm more than determined to get my A1s. So, well, thanks Banjo (: And he kinda took my guitar for a spin, playing "With You" (how the hell does he even know that one!).

So yeah, not depressed anymore.

CrezMun training was short but funny. Susa and C already allied with us. Susa's damn funny. "I would like to yield the floor to the highly sexy chair..." HAHA. I'm gonna put on a Brit brat accent to annoy people. Tomorrow get to run off to Bugis library with Ben ((((: Resolutions are fun, I feel smart. HAHA.

Today I had to console alot of people. Oh well. At least I got thanked for it. I like being appreciated, I suppose, so thank you to you guys who gave the hugs and all. Love.

CONGRATS TO EMOBOY. For winning. HAHA. Me and Sum looked so lost luh. We didn't even know which side was which team! Haha. Sum's cute.

Okay, now for whatever reason I'm feeling EMO. Blechh. And I wanna watch my Spontaneous Human Combustion : Is It Real? Oh wello wello wello wello wello wello. I'm lonely again, someone text it up kay.

Oh right, I miss you. Yeah, you.

Dare you to lift yourself up off the floor,
Like today never happened.

2008-05-14T22:14:00.001+08:00

Oh, and I think 'Push' is damn hot. Like damn hot. Ughhhhhhhhh. Bloody Dean Koontz and watching "Leavin'" too much is getting me a bit odd.

some things you can't erase,
no matter how hard you try.

2008-05-14T22:11:00.001+08:00

I joined CrezMun for one reason. You. I get to spend all that time with you at the library and all. Researching and all that funny stuff. I miss you I miss you. BENBEN, I love you!

I feel lonely ):

HAHA, random. EmoBoy's constant sappiness is making ME sappy. Gosh.

OMG I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE.

2008-05-11T20:17:00.001+08:00

Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour vivre nos promesses
Sans nulle autre richesse
Que d'y croire toujours

Walked around Clarke Quay, alone today after M Day lunch and Jacques Brel and tuition, ended up going to practice like 2 hrs late. I like the silent business of the place. There's hustle and bustle, but it's still dead quiet. Perfect. Robertson Walk is beautiful, so is the SRT backstage, which I ventured into illegally. Their voices were so pure. Untainted. And so full of emotion. I sing with alot of emotion, and that's not widely accepted, but I stood there humming "Quand On N'a Que L'amour" to myself in my sore throated voice.

Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour meubler de merveilles
Et couvrir de soleil
La laideur des faubourgs

I left my phone in my bag, in my parents' car. I didn't want to be spoken to and I didn't speak to anyone, save a few minutes here and there with Katt and Val. Today was a homage to life, life in motion and life as time froze to a standstill. I'm telling you it is possible, to stop time. We just have to believe in it.

Quand on n'a que l'amour
A offrir à ceux-là
Dont l'unique combat
Est de chercher le jour

And I saw families, people I knew, people I didn't know, as they filed out of the theatre... I saw couples, holding hands. I missed you. I wanted to stay there, watching them, not watching me because I'm simply great at being invisible. Doing my French project and recording the banalities of conversation. Because, as Victor Hugo puts it, "Love-talk is a somewat pedestrian business to the disinterested listener." I was certainly disinterested. I used to marvel and swoon and romantic words, but today people took such a presedence in my life that I couldn't feel anything because I knew nothing about those people, and the heart those words came from.

Quand on n'a que l'amour
Pour parler aux canons
Et rien qu'une chanson
Pour convaincre un tambour

I wondered to myself, what is the point of war and love? What is the point of friendship and sacrifice, and hurt and jealousy and anger? What is the point of indulgence? But without those flaws in us, we wouldn't be human. I'm human, I can't live alone and definitely not without any of the above. Once, someone told me that they loved me because I was real, and I let all my feelings show, and I was so unafraid to cry. But where did he go? He didn't love me. So, what is even the point of being real? It's easier to just escape. But I won't do it. Seek refuge in myself, yes, but escape?... That's against everything I've ever believed in. I wanted someone to be there, and for once just to try and put themselves in my shoes. But, that's like an ideal voltmeter. Rare. I've found it before, and I let myself lose it. I miss you.

Alors sans avoir rien
Que la force d'aimer
Nous aurons dans nos mains, amis...

So here goes two for her and three for her and four more for the girl she used to be. And lastly, one for me and the way I can't bring myself to lose or love any of them any more than I already do.

... Le monde entier.

2008-05-06T20:01:00.002+08:00

B!

Sorry if i've been distant/quiet/not myself lately, been stressing over exams. Ughh. Well just wanted to say, I CAN'T WAIT TIL TOMORROW! ((: Hanging out with you ♥ 2nd present tomorrow! Haha. I love you, love love loveeee. I miss you loads. Feels like I haven't been able to spend quality time with you in like. Forever. And I hope, you're not mad at me? If you are, then I'm sorry. I hate making you upset, B. Call me when you see this? Or I'll call later. Cause you're at tuition now.

And 'If Everyone Cared' describes how I feel about you, perfectly.

I love you Baby. You're my every every every everything.

cause with you,
i'd withstand
all of hell to hold your hand
i'd give it all
i'd give for us,
give anything, but i won't give up.

2008-05-05T20:26:00.000+08:00

"So, why did your mom call me over?"
"Damned if I know."
"You still such a bitch?"
"Heck yes."
"To everyone?"
"No, just to people I can't stand."

came home today to an unpleasant surprise.

because my mom's been scouring for a job, and guess who wants to try and help her get one?

that's right. Ex number i-don't-know-what.

he was actually on our sofa, drinking from my brother's cup, and watching something on the TV. i think it was MTV. HE WAS WATCHING MTV IN MY HOUSE.

and then my mom, very casually, went,"Oh, honey, Judy's helping me send in my CV, so you and Benji can go upstairs and study, or you could go play badminton or whatever you like. They brought over ice cream, too."

i really lost it. i smiled strangledly at Judy, and muttered a quick,"Okay, up," to a boy I once swore i'd never speak to again as long as we both were alive. and then we went upstairs and what ensued was a long and pretty laborious conversation about 'whatever problems we might have had in the past'.

and i realised, in between flashes of 'factors affecting food production' and 'tropical monsoon forests', that some things never change. at all. for example, i asked him about V, and he goes,"Oh, that whoring bxtch." which is essentially what he told the whole world about me everytime we broke up.

i guess i just left that part of my life - as much as i can - for good. sure, me and Val are still pretty tight, but you know other than that... it never occurred to me to go back. idk. i guess when i leave that past, i try to leave it for good...

... somehow though, it always comes back.

anyway, to conclude the fretful story, they left and i pretended i was fine with them possibly coming again. which i guess i can tolerate, but.

they better bring some damn good ice cream.

HAPPY CINQO DE MAYO.

2008-05-04T18:33:00.000+08:00

waking up in a daze
i could hardly open my eyes
but i felt so amazed

the heart wasn't where it was supposed to be

if you'd have seen the sunset, you'd have cried
the sun was stretching out its rays
further, wider
it knew something was missing -
that something was you

some people aren't so pretty
but when you look them in the eye
they're trying so hard to hide
that you have to wonder why

it's not a crime to be alone
or to not read anything anyone has written
because for once,
you need to read your own

and what's the point anyway?
people like reading about boys locked under staircases
and cupboards
and unknown places
and dreaming

you can only fight with the wind
when it is sighing
but when it begins to howl -
it wants you to give up trying

but you had her picture on the wall,
and you couldn't knock it down just yet

the truth hurts
and you are the truth
haven't you heard, i love you

some people like the needle in
as fast as it can be done
but for some people like me
we need and want only one

the world's a little right of center
but you tolerate it all
every day swinging about on a centrifugal force
and you tolerate the swinging
and the instability
because it's all you've got

kill love, kill joy, 'til death do us part
refrains of a world you've come to know so well
refrains of your own heart

because it's not a crime to be alive
and there's no time for vengeance
people are all too concerned
with hating
with waiting
... with waiting for the next lie

the sun's hands weren't at all parallel
they were writing
they were writing your name -
the day was dying.

2008-05-02T05:01:00.000+08:00

The bass, the rock
The mic, the treble
I like my coffee black
Just like my metal.

2008-05-02T04:50:00.000+08:00

woke up to a morning involving annoyance and my parents.

okay, so, naturally, when one's breakfast degenerates into an ant infestation, what does one do? i panicked, mostly because my mom spent a day cooking it, and cause Naren hadn't eaten yet.

(the first word out of my mouth, strangely, was,"Saumensch." yes, apparently i can curse in German too.)

so, i looked for my dad. thinking, you know, he's the MAN OF THE HOUSE, he's gotta have some ideas, right?

well, then he just walked down, stoned at the container, and went,'Oh, very easy. You just go kill all the ants and then eat luh." my eyes bulged out. because i am seriously talking about an ant INFESTATION (ie: whole place covered in ants) and he tells me very simply to kill them.

so, fine. whatever. i took out the Clorox (i have a fear of pesticides, don't know why) and started the Labour Day Massacre. success! i killed them...

... only to realise that now the PLACEMAT was infested too. since i couldn't handle both the massacre at the stove, the kettle, the pantry and now the placemat, too, i asked my dad to take the placemat into the bathroom and blast all the ants away with the tap water.

and the man got up, and took the placemat... to the doorway. now, i would've been okay if he had taken it outside, but no, he took it to just at the doorway. where all our SHOES are. and started hitting it on the floor, violently.

i asked him what he was doing, and he said that if you hit hard enough, all the ants will come out. EXACTLY MY POINT. because ants aren't like those dipoles in those stupid electromagnets, they do not all just head in ONE direction, which he clearly thought they would. so the millions of ants trudged INTO the house, putting all our shoes - including my sneakers, which, if infested with ants, would be seriously hard to ever wear again - in grave and unfunny danger.

so, what i did? i clorox-ed the whole area. sparing the shoes, of course. and meanwhile, my dad stands there, watching me and drinking his coffee.

and i thought someone was the MAN OF THE HOUSE here. the man of the house decides to watch his teenage daughter going all Hitler-style and committing some major genocide, while there are people in the house trying to fix the aircon and amusing themselves with my panicking and running around and cursing in French, while in my NIGHTDRESS (because of course, nobody bothered telling me that workers were even coming, and i let them in, thinking they were the newspaper guys).

ugh, i am so seriously annoyed. the good news is, i killed all the ants. the bad news is, the dish can't be eaten. i refuse. i mean, the ants have probably been there long enough to build their own empire (because my mom left it out on the counter since last night, thinking the container had magical ant-deflection powers). so i had to make my brother cereal, until i realised there was hardly any milk except the gross Oat ones Sumaiya likes so much, and i used that.

(it wasn't half-bad.)

anyway, CHEM PAPER IS TOMORROW, and what did i do the whole morning? murder innocent ants because my dad absolutely refuses to stoop down to the level of killing ants, because, as he says,"Housework is a woman's job."

he's lucky i didn't even make him clear the cobwebs from my room. GRRRR. men, i tell you.

i miss B and her hugs alot, but i'm afraid of getting her sick, so.... )):

2008-04-30T10:56:00.000+08:00

i bought black heels.
i like them alot.
they're cute.

i'm feeling monosyllabic.
stoney.
STONEY.
something's so unsexy about capital letters, isn't it?

the shadow is forming a tangent to the bottom of my guitar.
which is very dusty.

shxt, all i did today was shop, sleep, and do my physics formulae card.
(complete with page-long definitions of my own symbols).
tomorrow rebonding hair.
ew, i hate that smell.

never mind, i'm gonna mug the whole of thursday.
(i mean, it IS called Labour Day.)

Victor Hugo's humour is quite... sarcastic, actually. different from Nabokov and Suskind.

'Phoebus de Chateaupers suffered a tragic end too - he got married.'

HAHA.

2008-04-29T11:19:00.000+08:00

womg i just spent 3 hrs doing SS.
ughhh.

it was either madness, Panadol, Emofish's horrific random strumming of the guitar into my ear or Jesse McCartney's voice.

or it was how your letter made me feel today.

i guess i've come to notice that either of us can't really do much without the other's motivation. we should totally have one of those Free Trade Agreements. benefits on both sides. i'm really glad i've got you there to egg me on when i get too damn lazy.

i miss my B considerably though. i miss her chipmunk-y smile. so cute! HAHA ♥

let your dreams begin,
let your darker side give in
to the notes of the music that i write...
the darkness of the music of the night.

2008-04-28T09:50:00.000+08:00

The monosyllable of the clock is Loss, Loss, Loss, unless you truly devote your heart to its opposition.

- Tennessee Williams

2008-04-28T09:47:00.000+08:00

KIM MUGGED.
for the first time ever.
omg, be proud.

now i'm braindead.
yes, bel, i am stealing your phrase. BRAINDEAD.

so here's a survey.

[ZERO] When you think about your first kiss, what does it remind you of?
Ugh. Pain + weirdness + 'what-the-hell-is-so-great-about-this?!'.

[ONE] Who are your last three texts from?
Bel, Bel, Bel.

[TWO] Where was your default pic taken?
Not on MySpace right now, sorry.

[THREE] What's your middle name?
Nitya.

[FOUR] Your current relationship status?
Taken.

[FIVE] Does the person you like, like you back?
Totally.

[SIX] What is your current mood?
Braindead = no emotion.

[SEVEN] What's your mom's name?
Hilda. Yeah, like the Viking goddess, that be mi madre (:

[EIGHT] What color shirt are you wearing?
Black, silver.

[NINE] Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Of course.

[TEN] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Never.

[ELEVEN] Have a crazy side?
HAHA, you will never imagine how crazy I can be!

[TWELVE] Ever had a near death experience?
Tons. HAHA.

[THIRTEEN] What is something you do a lot?
Listen to music, talk on the phone, and nothing.

[FOURTEEN] Angry at anyone?
Surprisingly? No.

[FIFTEEN] Do you wanna see somebody right now?
Yeah, sure do.

[SIXTEEN] Do you like drama?
Only when not applied to me/people I'm close to.

[SEVENTEEN] When was the last time you cried?
Uh, Wednesday?

[EIGHTEEN] Who would you do anything for?
Hmm. This is one of those questions that, no matter what answer you give, somehow you feel like you might not live up to it. But let's just say, they know who they are.

[NINETEEN] Who is your hero?
Oh, I have loads.

[TWENTY] What is the one thing you notice about the opposite sex first?
Eyes, smile, hands (it's weird to say it, but yeah).

[TWENTY-ONE] At what time do your friends call you?
They have a preference for late at night (:

[TWENTY-TWO] What's your biggest secret?
Haha, even I don't know.

[TWENTY-FIVE] Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Of course! Well, when I watch TV, that is.

[TWENTY-SIX] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
Nothing.

[TWENTY-SEVEN] Do you speak any other languages?
Yeah. I'm a globalised child.

[TWENTY-EIGHT] Last time you went to the movies?
Prar and Neha to watch 'Horton'. Cute movie, cute company.

[THIRTY] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
Yeah.

[THIRTY-ONE] Do you like the rain?
To an extent.

[THIRTY-TWO] What are you thinking about right now?
'Emily' and polygons.

[THIRTY-THREE] What should you be doing right now?
... Revising Lit?

[THIRTY-FOUR] What is your favorite memory?
I have too many to really remember all at once.
I can remember a couple of recent ones though.

[THIRTY-FIVE] What are you listening to?
'Emily'.

[THIRTY-SIX] Who was the last person who said I love you to you?
Said? I think it was Bash.

[THIRTY-SEVEN] Who was the last person you yelled at?
Idk.

[THIRTY-EIGHT] Do you act differently around the person you like?
No, but apparently my voice changes.

[THIRTY-NINE] What is your natural hair color?
Black.

[FORTY] Who was the last person to make you smile?
Katt.

2008-04-27T02:02:00.000+08:00

it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
cause i know that you're living a lie.

i know i don't deserve it, but don't you ever miss me?

but you don't always have to hold your head higher than your heart. - creds to SKS

good luck B for your results.

2008-04-26T12:44:00.000+08:00

My pen is the barrel of the gun -
Remind me which side you should be on.

2008-04-26T12:40:00.000+08:00

All my life, I thought being rebellious was just a habit, or an effect of teenagehood. But recently I realise that's it's not a bad thing. I used to be afraid of speaking up against people I wasn't very close to... After what happened at WSMS, I convinced myself I should be as nice and sweet to everyone as possible.

I realise too that I can't live that way anymore, and never could fit into the cookie-cutter mould.

Society can be so backwards at time. By how I look, you judge that I'm not worthy of the name of my own race. You don't know anything about me. You want to see that half of my race? Cut me open, watch me bleed, that blood in me is what you're looking for.

I'm proud of my family. We don't go to churches or temples very often, we hardly abide by traditions, we don't have superstitions and we don't fear much. We're a strange lot, but we've got what it takes to survive. Pluck any one of us out, and we can stay alive. Our love is not normal, because we're all not very good at expressing our affection. But you know what? I don't have to bow down to people I'm apparently related to, because who are they to just come in and think they have rights over me? They don't. They never will. They're as good as non-existent to us.

My mom's a fighter, she really is... In many ways, we are so similar. She taught me the meaning of justice, of fighting against what you feel isn't right, of survival of the fittest. She's made it through the kampong, endless discrimination, and the intolerance of the other side of my family. I want to be like her. God forbid if I ever encounter half the obstacles she has, I will handle it when the pride and dignity that she did.

My dad's a philosopher. He looks at the sky, and, also like me, wonders why we've come to a world without stars. We love open spaces, we love doing nothing and silently contemplating, we love solitude and warmth. The part of my dad that I have, is that we do nothing without passion. We just can't do something if we're being forced to. We always find a way to love something in anything we do, we try at least. That's why when we truly love something, we set our hearts and souls and give everything up for it.

It's not that I don't appreciate them, I do. I disobey them not out of disrespect or of angst or revenge or whatever pathetic excuses I've heard before. I disobey them because of who I am as a person. When you put rebellious people together, what can you expect to get but a riot?

But I don't care. Don't you dare insult them, or me, or the riot is coming your way.

2008-04-24T09:45:00.000+08:00

as i'm trying to put my strength back together... i think of you.

I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
And I will spread these wings of mine

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
We get up anyway

If I get up I might fall back down again
So let's get up, come on
If I get up I might fall back down again
And I might fall back down again
And we'll just jump and see
Even if it's the 20th time
We'll just jump and see if we can fly.

the true failure is giving up on a chance before you even try. i'm doing it. and i will do my best, for myself.

2008-04-24T09:27:00.000+08:00

'cause an empty room
can be so loud
there's too many tears
to drown them out, so hold on
when you love someone,
and they break your heart
don't give up on love
have faith, restart, just hold on.

i hate how this reads, but thank you Jonas Brothers - your banshee howling of this quote kept me breathing normally today.

2008-04-23T11:47:00.000+08:00

changed skin again. HAHA.

omg i'm brain damaged permanently.

gahhh.

results still not out, Prar still not back, still not feeling any better.

i'm croaking. croak. croak.

not much to say, so

you'll always be a part of me
i'm a part of you indefinitely
girl, don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby.

of course, creds to Bel.

2008-04-22T09:02:00.000+08:00

thanks much to bel for this song. so sweet.

When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you, endlessly

And when you're mad cause you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby I love you,
I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn,
The more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time

And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you, more than you'll know

And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn,
The more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

That's when I love you
When nothing, baby
Nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn,
The more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what.

2008-04-20T11:13:00.000+08:00

Landing on a runway in Chicago and I'm grounding all my dreams
Of ever really seeing California, because I know what's in between
Is something sensual in such non-conventional ways
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say
Tonight I'm writing you a million miles away

Tonight is all about "We miss you", "We miss you"
Tonight is all about "We miss you"

And I can't forget your style or your cynicism,
Somehow it was like you were the first to listen to everything we said
My smile's an open wound without you...
And my hands are tied to pages inked to bring you back

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say
Tonight I'm writing you a million miles away

Tonight is all about "We miss you", "We miss you"
Tonight is all about "We miss you now"

These friends are, new friends are golden
These friends are, new friends are...

Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say
Tonight the headphones will deliver you the words that I can't say
These friends are, new friends are golden.

2008-04-20T11:05:00.000+08:00

i swear i never meant to let it die.

i'm definitely sick. oh no. i don't care about my homework, i am going to get well by Monday and soldier through the auditions. i HAVE to.

today i was kinda loopy because of the medecine, and Christophe made us stand around and 'observe' the environment... so naturally i chose the back of the Alliance. and me and Duke combined forces and it was damn funny cause his reads off like an Ikea catalogue (1 table, 3 chairs, one empty bottle of Orangina, 2 plastic bags, i WANTED : MAS SELAMAT poster, etc...) and mine was purely emotional (I see the security guards trying to figure out what i'm doing... two girls in pink who look stoney... I'M HUNGRY... oh, she's drinking a Coke, etc...). HAHA.

and then we read a passage today in which the main character's name is Bashir Assoweh. and i looked at it and went,"HEY, IT'S BASHIR!" like damn loudly and everyone stared at me for a while wondering if i was okay (i was not). Bash, if you're reading this, i miss talking to you, dumbshxt. come online once in a while dude.

oh, by the way, i'm sorry for missing all your calls, i've been dead to the world and probably will be again tomorrow. sorry guys.

missing band prac tomorrow, grrrr. but honestly i shouldn't strain my voice, though i'd imitate Gerard Way quite convincingly with this voice. HAHA.

i'll see you on the flipside.

for some reason today i thought i was gonna break down, then i remember Leroy, Gary and Andrea, and how i should be thankful for what i have, and somehow i didn't. i'm proud of myself that i didn't just fall apart.

but i'm different now, and i can't give up so easily anymore.

what am i supposed to say?

2008-04-19T11:50:00.000+08:00

Feels like I should be screaming
Trying to get it through to my friends
Sometimes it feels that life has no meaning
But I know things will be alright in the end

When the rainy days are dying
Gotta keep on, keep on trying
All the bees and birds are flying
Never let go, gotta hold on in
Non-stop 'til the break of dawnin'
Keep on movin' don't stop rockin'

Get on up when you're down
Baby, take a good look around
I know it's not much, but it's okay
Keep on moving anyway.

2008-04-19T11:33:00.000+08:00

today the only emotion i felt was annoyance.
i mean, be glad i didn't turn around and tell you to just shut up.

my hair looks dumb, so what.
i've put on weight, so what.
i've got eye bags, ooh big deal.
geez.
at least i'm not ugly.

angsty mood today, so sorry.
but really everything was just ao annoying.

though i should thank Katt for having taquitos, they totally saved my day.
thanks favourite bung (:

and Benibear, thanks for the re-enactment, it put my mind off my insecurities.

i beg your pardon,
i never promised you a rose garden.

2008-04-18T12:08:00.000+08:00

all the stars and boulevards aren't close enough for me.

2008-04-18T11:57:00.000+08:00

first.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY VAL(LEY GIRL)!

Haha.

second.
I CUT MY HAIR.
I LOOK LIKE SOME STUPID... WAYANG MASK.
OMG.
And after all my efforts to look girl!
Gahh.
Nvm, i straightened it just, so it looks better now.

third.
i'm not ready to quit French, not yet. i don't want to.

fourth.
i am by no means ready for auditions either.
i'm very scared :/
especially vocals. crap.

fifth.
i feel messed up in the head. okay maybe the haircut had that effect on me. i feel seriously messed up though, my brain is scattered all over random thoughts.

sixth.
... there is no sixth.

2008-04-16T12:42:00.000+08:00

HOT. I WANT. (yeah, i'm getting less emo and more scene.)

but my hair cannot, unless i use hairspray, which i get high on anyway.
(NOT INTENTIONALLY.)

2008-04-16T12:33:00.000+08:00

Smiles and her laughter
It's the only thing that I've been waiting for a time
Regardless of our distance and our hope... grows greater
Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
...the only thing that I've been waiting for

I hope it's something worth the waiting
'Cause it's the only time that I ever feel real
Thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily

She's simple yet confusing
Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
Days seem like years in this month of December
The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me

I hope it's something worth the waiting
It's the only time that I ever feel real
'Cause thunder storms could never stop me
'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily,
There's no one in the world like Emily.

2008-04-16T12:31:00.000+08:00

i'm walking on sunshine, whoa.

Ben sang that the other day, it made me smile so hard. HAHA.

today lit debate was damn fun! HAHA. i think me, Ben and Mulan were clobbering poor SKS and Bel. omg. but it was awesome cause halfway it hit me how weird it was to debate the effectiveness of portrayal of love. i mean, HELLO, either way they're both good portrayals in different ways.

AM Mock was like :// bad. it was so tedious and annoying and i heard copious paper crushing behind me somewhere. and i was sweating so horribly. gosh. my hair looks a mess.

Sum thinks it's cute though, because she keeps pinching my cheeks. funny how i can go from being gangsta to being cute in the space of like, a few days or so. HAHA. bipolar much.

but i think B's damn cute. HAHA, then again, what they say about hopeless romantics... :P

i realise i like e geog lessons, being random with rebel + d + click five maniac. HAHA. she's so scarily random okay! i can't remember what but today she said something that made us all just laugh.

JFM tried to have a sexy fringe today. tsk tsk. HAHA.

gwarrrr my hair looks weirddd. i wish it'd grow. so i can cut it again. HAHA. but there's a logic! i swear.

loving FFTL. and i want my Bullet For My Valentine hoodie.

today we were walking around modelling the pullovers. but the real question is, M or L? the debate rages on, chers amis.

right, i'm mentally unsound, so i'm off now to listen to 'Emily'. lyrics next.

you make me so hot,
you make me wanna drop.

2008-04-14T03:31:00.000+08:00

so don't wish upon a star
'cause a star can only get you so far
and it doesn't matter who you are
'cause the sky looks better from the ground anyway
you never know what you've got
and even if you do,
it don't mean it's gonna stay
you only live once and i'm living for today.

that somehow means alot to me.

awesome awesome programme... i guess for me, i knew exactly what he was talking about. how many times have i told people the same things? and yet this is the paradox i'm presented with, you can say things but that doesn't mean you yourself believe them.

self-esteem. another thing. i do like myself. maybe i don't love myself because i always think i'm not strong enough for people to look at and go,"Wow." like that Cupcake Brown, or Oprah, or Ashley. but you know what. it doesn't matter. i AM strong in my own right.

thank yous to people except my mom and dad, because it's too personal.

B and Sum, thank you so much for being there... in some of my best and worst times ever. the three of us aren't gonna let go. we're fighters, survivors. and i don't care what we have to do to succeed, we will succeed.

Ben, you're my sunshine, for real. sometimes the only reason i bother storming into class every day is to see your face. and i miss you. i miss you. i can't and won't ever forget you.

Bel, we don't talk as much as the rest of the people i just mentioned... but you mean alot to me too. you're always there to whup my ass when it gets too far out of line, i appreciate that. i will help you and be there for you. even if you don't care.

there are a thousand more i should thank... but time is slipping by, and the monosyllable of the clock is loss, loss, loss... this time though, it's loss of time and nothing else.

i dare you to pick yourself up off the floor.

2008-04-08T11:19:00.000+08:00

so play the game until you run out,

omg today skipped french with the Ditch Dude. HAHA. new nickname. anyway he shaved his head bald and i think i stood there gaping at him for like, forever, because it was so weird. what a shame. he looked like a nice kid with his hair, not to mention his pimples are all right in my face now, and pimples are, to me, a major turn off. not in the sexual way luh, but just. yeah.

ISAAC ASIMOV WAS A MENSAN.
WHATT.
Bash, you do read good books, i take that back, sorry ://

okay, well, so is Asia Carrera. riiiiight. this is weird. i wanna be a Mensan too! so cool. eh Rebel, let's go try out and see if we can get in :P

i must say, i'm in love with alotta people today.
HAHA.
but no one more than my...

okay gotta go now. 'beautiful soul' just finished downloading and i promised i'd go and study once it finished. self-discipline, Kim!

and play the game into my hand.

2008-04-06T12:46:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna overcome this,
paper hearts can't win this time.

omg thank you Kitty Kitty Katt, omg it's damn pretty! :DDD I always wanted a dangly one, HAHA.

yesterday was a strange day... it seems like alot has changed right under my nose but you know what, i'm not gonna resist it. in the end, nothing is broken and nothing is ever defeated, it's we who decide our own fate.

Prar was damn gorgeous as usual... but somehow very very cold. to both me AND n. she was really like, not there... more concerned about making paper stars for her boyfriend and hardly speaking, leaving the pasta untouched in her soup, and not asking how we were or anything. she's become the ice princess i always saw her to be. i wish i could just open her up and pour her out and know her a bit more, but maybe i know too much... and that hinders interaction. what am i saying, it's not the end of the world. toopid.

even if saving you sends me to heaven.

i must say, N was really sweet. but geez, two of them have so much cash and i think i'm broke the rest of the month (pizza hut + movie + something else, cannot remember). ouchh.

i want my Ben & Jerry's though. or just Ben. HAHA. sat with her in AM today... she really exudes life. i love youuuu (:

the cost of misery is at an all-time high.

omg, today Duke and i were in Olio eating, and he actually called me Dolly, i swear i choked the rest of my cookie down becaue it just sounded so stupid. and there's this kid called Jeremy in class, nice guy, but he has this freaky habit of stoning RIGHT INTO PEOPLE'S FACES. well, so do i. HAHA. he looks mildly like Tintin, i swear.

went to Sue's house, Faustine was une petite cherubine. omg. so cute. and as usual, me and my cuzzz caused mayhem and they changed the song to 'Teenagers'. HOW AM I GOING TO SING THAT SONG. thanks, dude. now i'm gonna sound ridiculous.

and slept from like 4 to like 9. missed B greatly. okay, also as usual.

yeah gotta go now. BYE.

use me as you will,
pull my strings just for a thrill.

2008-04-03T10:30:00.000+08:00

I WISH MY HAIR WOULD GROW OUT SO I STOP LOOKING LIKE AN EFFING IDIOT.

oh, gosh.

i feel very insecure about myself. i'm like, weird-looking okay. i look freaky and nerdy and retarded. really. that's so not fair, i know so many gorgeous people and i totally feel like the human anticlimax again.

i'm damn whiny/moody/childish/dramatic today.

2008-04-03T10:24:00.000+08:00

take everything away from me.

thank you, Ben, for being the H-Bomb that really gets me back into reality sometimes.

thank you, Sumaiya, for being my reality check.

thank you, B, for being patient with me.

thank you, Isabel, for motivating and caring for me even when I don't deserve it.

thank you, JH, for always being there to try and un-emo me.

thank you, Zan, for being so brave and so strong, and everything I wish I was.

thank you, Prarthana, because without you I wouldn't be myself.

thank you, Ashley, for never letting go and never making me feel inadequate.

thank you, BAB, for being one of the few guys who knows how to appreciate girls.

thank you, Emoboy, for being so understanding and mature.

thank you, Katt, for getting me through the bad days with your sick mind.

thank you, everyone who thinks they can get me down, for giving me a chance to prove you wrong.

I've made a resolution or so in the past few days.
I won't post them here, but I swear I'll stick by them.

i mean it... i love you ALL.

i am not your trophy.

2008-03-29T11:10:00.000+08:00

you can try, but i'll never let you go... Ms Tweety Bird.

2008-03-29T11:08:00.000+08:00

maybe we'll turn it around
cause it's not too late,
it's never too late.

i really miss GAG ): i wonder why you don't talk to me anymore. not much, anyway. whatever it is, i don't care if you answer my million emails/calls/messages anymore. i'm sick of it. i hope you get well soon in any case and do remember me.

alright, i know i'm being a cranky loser.

hah, this sure sounds like me.

LIBRA - The Harmonizer (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.

after school today, reluctantly went off to meet Benjamin. who gave me the homework. the guy's really so shy and all, it was pretty funny cause i felt like some bloody gangsta next to him. he's not dorky, just quiet. he apparently doesn't talk to girls much, other than his sister. anyway he's a nice guy, just a bit too quiet for my taste. we did have a pretty good discussion on le gerondif though (yeah yeah, we suck). and then i came back.

... to find my mom freaking out over which dress to wear. toopid dinner. and my dad's out at Salt-n-Pepper. thankfully i have the house to myself (and my brother) which means i get to be online for like... forever. unless he decides to come back. oh well.

the veronicas have new music. whooppeeeeeeeeee. but i hardly listen to them anymore. hmm.

please try to say more carefully
that you no longer need me.

i feel pessimistic.
i have a hell lot of pimples, i've been cussing like crazy, and i've put on alot of weight, and my hair looks retardo. GAHHHH. and i still want my mexican but shxt luh, no money. and tomorrow i have to go and bother about Duke. UGHHH.

anyone have the mp3 for 'cut' by the cure or 'girl anachronism' by the dresden dolls? can't find them anywhere. even crime is failing me. wtf.

i actually miss school. no, i miss certain things about school. it'd be a better place if i could split myself into two or teleport or something, though. then i wouldn't feel so bad. really, i should just clone myself and everyone will be happy right? right.

i can't see why you'd run and hide.

2008-03-28T12:05:00.000+08:00

to... guardian angel.

If only you'd never speak to me
The way that you do
If only you'd never speak like that
It's like listening to
A breaking heart
A falling sky
Fire go out and friendship die
I wish you felt the way that I still do
The way that I still do

If only you'd never look at me
The way that you do
If only you'd never look like that
When I look at you
I see face like stone
Eyes of ice
Mouth so sweetly telling lies
I wish you felt the way that I still do
The way that I still do
But you don't
You don't feel anymore
You don't care anymore
It's all gone

If only you'd never pull from me
The way that you do
If only you'd never pull like that
When I'm with you
I feel hopeless hands helplessly
Pulling you back close to me
I wish you felt the way that I still do
The way that I still do

If only you'd ever speak speak to me
The way you once did
Look at me the way you once did
Pull to me the way you once did
But you don't
You don't feel anymore
You don't care anymore
It's all gone
It's all gone.

2008-03-28T11:58:00.000+08:00

even if heaven and earth collide tonight.

bon premier amour (:

today was an interesting day. some personal stuff to say.

first, the girl with the pretty eyes : i care about you so very much. i don't like it when you're upset. but, whatever it is, you'll get through this, you'll pull through and you'll be okay... i don't care what it takes, you're not splitting. okay? and anytime you need me, i'm here. so yeah. please take care.

i don't know why, but whenever someone gets upset, i tend to be able to feel what they're feeling. that's the scary part. i can basically put myself in anyone's shoes, unintentionally, too.

i really miss B. alot.

and whore, sorry for just running off today. that was kinda jerk-y of me, but idk i guess i was just... i needed to see her. sorry, and damn i owe you too many drinks to count!

i know you wanted me
to give up this life to be
everything i was back when you
had the hands my heart was in.

i miss Ben alot too. Partner/Love/Sunshine. gwarrrrrrrrr this is what happens when i get cranky/stressed, i end up missing everybody )):

and Prar's exams ended today... SMS-ed her, but she didn't reply. i wanna meet her but she's sick again and besides, it might be awkward...

it all boils down to, i miss B.

past the point of no return.

2008-03-27T11:16:00.000+08:00

HAHA MIKEY COPIED V FOR VENDETTA FOR ME. Omg, the creative mind is amazing. dude, you got talent (:

Aha! To be astounded. An army of assholes, an association armed with an arsenal of asanine ambiguously adult anonymii. This ambidextrous armada, no mere attack force is an astounding assembly of articulate aristocrats. Assuming the collective affliction has not atrophied, another day of ardent internet argument arises. Under the ambiguous aegis of internet anonymity, all annoying assertations may be announced with reckless abandon. The armored amplifiers of information, the antithesis of approbates, aided and abetted by all things arbitrary. Apology? Do not forgive, do not forget. Alas, I am all aflutter, after the anticipation and you may call me Anonymous.

Mikey you ROCK!

2008-03-27T11:12:00.000+08:00

your treason is silence.

HOLY CRAP NAPFA 15.53 SUCKERSSSS!

Take THAT. Mr S would be so proud. I mean, in Sec 2 i had to do it like 8 times just to get a decent score.

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY.

'Animals' on the ipod pulled me through, except i wasted alot of oxygen screaming it out when i ran past the Sickos. HAHA.

damn happy today ((: but i didn't get to spend alot of time with B. i even ran up the slope after my 2.4 just to try and get her in her class but she didn't see me )):

cause you know i'd walk a thousand miles
if i could just see you,
if i could just hold you tonight.

and my YouTube video (one of them) has quite a few comments. that made me happy too.

rehearsal was a waste of time, went there and basically lost my mind and did like 9 pull ups and a bunch of other weird shxtt. we hardly even rehearsed! but omg ms v's stressed, i felt like giving her a hug or something but it might seem improper to do so.

speaking of improper, since today is my parents' anniversary, and my dad's coming home late, i got my mom some flowers. she was like,"why are YOU giving me flowers?" and i was all,"well, i'm not my dad, but if you didn't get married, i wouldn't be born, so i guess i owe you."

she smiled all the way home (:

so since i do this for Juliet & Juliet,
HAPPY SIXTEENTH MOM AND DAD!

i love you.

omg omg omg tomorrow!
gah.
excited.

je t'adore (:

i am not your trophy.

2008-03-24T10:12:00.000+08:00

these nights i get high just from breathing.

thanks to Sherry's table for that. HAHA (:

'razorblades' is addictive, and largely applicable to at least one person in my life.

so i get my cuisina mexicana tomorrow? caliente!

i miss the USAAAAAAA )):
i'd have died and fought my way through hell just to go back and get the scoop on everyone.
gahhhh.
and have jax hit me in random places with the basketball and act black. i mean, white, HAHA.

finally found the proper mp3 for 'LOW'. yayayayayayay.

i'm a bit hyper, BLAME IT ON THE TEQUILA, folks. my mom actually bought it from the restaurant cause it was so good. but damn, it's pretty strong and i crashed out the second i got home. but i finished all my homework so yeah i guess i CAN crash.

i can't wait to squeeze the life out of my baby tomorrow ((((: that sounds sadistic, i swear. but whatever, so sue me.

OMFG THE HOT ISRAELI GUY FROM THE AIRSHOW WAS THERE TODAY. AT THE RESTAURANT. OMGGGG. though i must say, he's a bit too built and muscular for my taste. not to mention he has that total 'i'm sexy and i know it and i'm a bad boy but you're so gonna love me' kinda face. which i can't stand. anymore. still, his eyelashes are so long and everything, he looks so dark and moody and all...

still nothing compared to B's smiley face. or even her unsmiley face.

i'll stay with you, for all of time.

went all emo yesterday, but then i was cheered up. HAHA. my mood swings are getting so violent. but at least they're predictable. Bash always calls around 1 am, which is technically the most emo i ever am.

i had this dream two people who mean alot to me (unnamed, sorry) were in front of a firing squad... and one of the gunmen asked me who they should shoot. i had to make a choice. (no, not as in Sophie's Choice) and so i told them to shoot me instead. and guess what i did? i yanked one of their guns and shot myself.

it seems characteristic of something i'd do, sadly.

Bash was right about the 'Heroine complex'.

& they said that a hero would save us,
i'm not gonna stand here and wait.

2008-03-20T10:38:00.000+08:00

ashley :

"I do not discriminate. I am not prejudiced. I am straight-edge. Love sees no boundaries. I am not straight. I am in love. I donate. I volunteer. I make mistakes. I'm not a perfect student. And I dont know what I want to do in life. I am not perfect. But I choose to be a good person. I am proud. To say those things. And if other people, choose to judge me for being a good person. For disliking the people whom are prejudiced, so be it. I'd rather you dislike me for something I am, rather than like me for something I am not."

i'm able to say that with conviction too, but you taught me how to say those words.
thank you so much.

2008-03-20T10:35:00.000+08:00

j'ai cherche l'erreur
au coeur du systeme
ce qui brille est un leurre
ce qui brille peut fondre au soleil

j'ai cherche l'erreur
qui trouble mon sommeil
j'ai cherche pendant des heures pour voir que
tout est a refaire

et maintenant... tout est clair
je releve la tete

je veux vivre de chaque seconde
comme si demain etait la fin du monde
etre libre pour de bon
a trop vouloir se lever, on tombe.

2008-03-20T10:33:00.000+08:00

i'm sick of your accusing me of not loving you.
i DO love you.
not like that, but i DO.

you know why i don't call? I'm not allowed to make international calls. and i don't even know when you're home and when you're not, and boy would Merriem just kill me if i did call. i do miss you. it's been ages. if you think that my shortened emails are me not caring, then you are naive. it just means i'm losing the ability to rant. stupid as it sounds. you have no idea how things are like and if you did, i'm sure you'd be there, but the truth is you get mad at me so often. the decisions i make are my decisions. live with them. yeah, it hurts, but weren't you the one who told me never to hurt for more than an hour? or was that someone else who looked like you. these days you're so incredibly bitter and sometimes your laughter is hollow... i asked you why and you said,"not like you could help anymore." i'm TRYING, i would be able to help if you didn't close up so much, so often. it sucks that when we broke up, you just refused to accept it. ACCEPT IT. please. get this done with, and don't keep bringing it up cause it's not gonna happen. alright?

my energy just went downnnnn.

thank you Ashley for that note.
because of you, i try to keep my head up high.

as Ben said today, there's no 'stupid things'.
only stupid people who do things.
and it's true,
we as humans can blame our misfortune on everything from god to superstitions to imaginary heath problems to influence,
but who are we not to look at ourselves, blame ourselves for once, and take the fall for whatever we do?

we are too young, too proud to understand.

i'm gonna end that.
i wanna face the world.
i wanna go through something big.
i wanna INSPIRE someone, give them renewed hope.
i wanna find the meaning of life, even if it kills me.
because i wanna learn to live.

2008-03-19T10:03:00.000+08:00

this feels like society... truthfully.

love Faber Drive.

They're scared of his make-up, tattoos and piercings
They say that it's too bad
He won't amount to anything
They judge by the way he looks
Whoa
The cover's not quite like the book
He's just so misunderstood
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

Cause it's so obvious
There's nothing wrong with us at all
It's our life, we're alright
No, we're not about to go and make
The same mistakes you might've made

It's so obvious
So just stop blaming us
Because it's not wrong to be young
No we're not about to go and make the same mistakes you might've made
No, we're not about to go and make the same mistakes

She's eighteen
So sexy
She never made love
So girlfriends are saying
She sleeps with everyone
They judge by the way she looks
Whoa
But the cover's not quite like the book
She's been so misunderstood
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

Cause it's so obvious there's nothing wrong with us at all
It's our life, we're alright
No, we're not about to go and make the same mistakes you might've made

It's so obvious
So just stop blaming us
Because it's not wrong to be young
No, we're not about to go and make the same mistakes you might've made

They judge by the way we look
Whoa
The cover's not quite like the book
We're just so misunderstood
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa

It's so obvious
There's nothing wrong with us at all
It's our life, we're alright
No, we're not about to go and make the same mistakes you might've have made

It's so obvious
So just stop blaming us
Because it's not wrong to be young
No we're not about to go and make the same mistakes you might've made

It's so obvious
No, we're not about to go and make the same mistakes you might've made
It's so obvious
No, we're not about to go and make the same mistakes.

2008-03-19T09:51:00.000+08:00

i will find it before i expire,

aww Ash ): don't be upset please. boys are jerks and they don't have any rights over you. so don't let them. and i'm always just a phone call away, an email away kay.

omg today was fun.
the WHOLE entire day.
ahhh ((((((((((:
i know i sound bloody drugged, but HAHA, i just absolutely love the MT Crew. HAHA. it sounds like some dumb hood crew thingy. but really, i owe it to those 4 for being there through the best of times, the worst of times. Z, Sum, B, i love youu (:

and friday movie with my BenibearBaby!
HAHAHAHA.
gross luh.
and guess what i'mma look like a true Indian!
GASP.
but my piercing and emo slippers and all will totally un-Indianise it.
and FOUR HOURS?!
i'm gonna die watching it.
still, it's the company that matters, and boy is that awesome company.

feeling way too damn good today, quoting Nickelback.

though i've been listening to emo all day.

yes, Ben, i'm JEALOUS. omg. i'd do anything to get you back but wth luh, i need to grow up and live with it.

plus... A knows alot more about me than i thought. actually she knows alot about everyone. and she's accurate about it, too. scary. still, thanks partner for being understanding and caring (:

gah, i can't waittttttt.

lyrics post after this.

'cause i've got the Desire.

HAPPY NINTH TO JULIET & JULIET.

2008-03-18T12:22:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t
Depending on how the wind blows, I might even paint my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my soul.

2008-03-18T12:02:00.000+08:00

je nais hier,
je vis aujourd'hui,
je meurs demain.

that poem made me think. about how we take such small things and turn them into huge mountains. really, all we need to do sometimes is just laugh it all off and learn to live life. calmly, peacefully, quietly. i love the paysage, the compagne, anywhere where i can stop myself from sweating the small stuff.

yes, Bash, that was for you too. i know right now it matters alot, but trust me in a few years you won't remember my name, and that's how it's supposed to be.

i miss AZ alottt.
i miss jumping the fence and reading the signpost in the field and all.
i miss detention with the jaxasaurus.
gahh. nostalgia sets in.

you know what i also miss?
Ben.
idk, she means alot to me.
and well, if not for her, i'd be immature. or more than i already am anyway. i wish we spent more time together.

and i know, you can see right through me.

my mom says i seem quite 'manja' today. haha, i guess so. i wanna be loved up. but no luck luhh, the only love i feel is from the carboxylic acids in my chem book and my purple marker that died on me. loserface, i know.

kay why do i miss everybody suddenly.
i even miss Katt because today at Bishan i saw a bung who looked like her, only with more lip piercings and shorter hair. HAHA. i swear i wanted to hug her and scream,"KITTY KITTY KITTY KATTTTT!"

and i miss Friend.
who didn't come today.
and i hope she comes tomorrow.
the space behind me in the hall today felt empty.
haven't spoken much since Friday, so yeah...

and i don't feel right when you're gone away.

SUM!
you remind me so much of Ben, and that's the greatest compliment i could pay you.
you were wrong about one thing though,
i'm not the one to motivate you,
you're the one to motivate me.
thanks for being a rock of support.

i know you got my back, that be a fact.

wow, things DO change.
i distinctly remember Mike saying,"I won't ever fall in love."
and now he has girlfriend problems.
:///
but that's the thing about life... you have to try and keep up with it.

I can dance and win at games
Like backgammon and life.

2008-03-17T08:54:00.000+08:00

i don't believe that when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.
i believe you should admire its colour.

point in case : you don't always have to do something for a reason... instinct has long been forgotten by modern Man.

sorry, random philosophical thought.

2008-03-17T08:52:00.000+08:00

when i tell people stuff, somehow i always anticipate a different reaction than what i get. right, i'm being optimistic now. it's fully Ben's and Sum's faults. i realised today that Sum seems to know how i feel. like, really, really accurately too. it's scary. but thanks Sum, for being one of the few i feel totally comfortable being whiney and jealous and possessive and egoistic and everything in front of.

thanks also to Bash. without you, i might be an aggressive feminist. but then you're the exception to the whole 'guys are jerks' rule. HAHA. and the song was damn funny.

not much so... survey!

RANDOM :

1. In general, are you slow,medium,or fast-paced?
Fast-paced for almost everything.

2.Assuming you have a cellphone,do you have a desk charger or a wall charger?
My dad's charger is a desk one, which means so is mine.

3.What's the first song listed in your media library?
'Everything We Had'.

4. Is your hair thick or thin?
Incredibly thick. I could like. Strangle someone.

5.Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Uhh. Not exactly.

6.What's your favorite kind of pudding?
The kind Gloria makes with the rum in it :DD

7. Do you know how to read guitar tabs?
Nope.

8.Would you consider yourself shallow?
Not always.

9.Have you ever been fucked up on pills?
Not pills, no.

10.Have you ever buried a dead animal?
Nearly.

11.Are you a masochist?
I guess. I mean, I crave for piercings :/

12. Do you feel special?
Maybe?

13. Do old guys who stare creep you out?
Obviously.

14. Do you strive for perfection?
Unfortunately, yes.

15.What's the last thing you were confronted about?
Oh, gosh. Don't wanna repeat it.

16. Are you a pessimist?
Only when I feel crappy.

17.How many uncles do you have?
I don't know, we always have relatives sprning up from everywhere.

18.What are your views on smoking pot?
Idiotic.

19. Do you like ska music?
No.

20.What's your favorite vegetable?
Avocado. And yeah I have expensive taste.

21. Do you have a laptop or a regular computer?
Laptop.

22. Do you still have your first baby blanket?
It became my brother's.

23.Have you ever donated plasma?
No? But I wanna donate blood some day.

24. Do you have a weekly schedule?
Only for school.

25. Do you have road rage?
HAHA, I'm sure I would!

26.Are you overweight,underweight,or just average?
Overweight, fo sho ):

27.What's the most well-known city or attraction in your state?
Merlion?

28.Would you ever be able to live with a slob?
Well. As long as their mess doesn't interfere with my mess.

29. Do you have a credit card?
No, thank heavens.

30.Look out your window,what do you see?
Potential Mas Selamat forest-y hiding place ://

31. Do you know the aristocrat joke?
Does anyone?

YOURSELF :

3. Are you friends with your most recent ex?
Yeah.

4. What did you do today?
Saw Wei's baby, OMG SO CUTE.

5. Is anything bothering you?
Yeah, damn mosquito bite.

6. Anything fun happen last night, what?
Yeah. Drunk ranting with Rai.

7. Have a best friend named matt?
No.

8. Are you mad at anyone?
Not right now, no.

9. Do you miss anyone?
Yeah.

10. What's one thing you should change about yourself?
Underestimating the power everyone has to totally bring me down.

11. Who are your first three top friends and why?
On MySpace? IDK.

12. Do you wish you were somewhere else?
Yeah.

13. When and why was the last time you got in trouble?
Today in tuition, one word : Katt.

14. Have you ever thought something was too good to be true?
Always do.

15. Why did your last realtionship end?
He's. Uh. Too young.

16. Do you trust people?
Well, yeah.

17. Do you cry easily?
Yeah. Omg YEAH.

18. Who was the last person to make you laugh?
Katt.

19. Have you ever been in love?
Yeah.

22. Should you be doing anything else right now?
Sleeping?

23. What is your current mood?
Happy.

24. Does someone care about you?
Yepp.

25. Have you ever lost a best friend?
No... 'Amitie qui finit n'avait point commence.'

26. Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
HAHA, YES. Loser.

27. Have you met anybody new in the past 3 days?
Not really.

28. Sunrise or sunset?
Sunrise. More peaceful.

29. What do you look for in the opposite sex?
Well. Uh. They have to be nice and they have to be patient and they have to be at least partially romantic to compensate for my inadequacies.

31. What movie do you want to see?
Vantage Point!

32. Do you like getting your picture taken?
On good days...

33. Do you get along with your parents?
Believe it or not, yes I do.

34. Who do you look up to most?
Charlotte Corday?

35. Have you ever cried over something stupid?
... Yeah.

36. Hugs or kisses?
Depends.

37. Name one interesting thing you've seen this week?
Katt's forward helix. It moves.

38. Are you regretting something?
No.

39. Have you ever been cheated on?
Yeah.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No, but I'd like to.

41. What's your favorite thing to do?
Absolutely nothing useful.

42. Do your parents know who you like?
No.

43. Have you ever had a sleepover with the opposite sex?
Yeah.

44. Have you ever slept in the same bed with the opposite sex?
Yeah.

45. What's your favortie band?
Tie between RJA, or FOB or CIWWAF.

46. Do you like to party?
Not usually.

2008-03-16T02:23:00.000+08:00

yesterday was the shizz. Step Up 2 is a hott movie. and toys r us hula hooping/skateboarding/laughing at people who think they're hardcore buying skateboards at toys r us was like hilarious. i miss my childhood ): not much good has happened since i stopped playing with Barbies. other than meeting B and Ben and stuff, yeah. okay i am supposed to be optimistic!

so i heard shxt about me.
labels are like that.
but whatever.
as i said, i'mma have the last laugh this time. i am sick of letting everyone have their way. i wanna prove someone wrong.

but i'm a weirdo, i'm a creep
what the hell am i doing here?
i don't belong here.

i really don't like weekends.
i wanted so badly to go out with Sum today and i'm not allowed.
i miss Sum ):
and i miss so many people but they're all too busy.

my stud kinda hurts.
Rai knocked it accidentally last night.
OWOWOWOW.

and later i might have to go to Duke's?
or tomorrow.
UGH.

i wanna play PS2.
and jump on the trampoline.
gahhhhhhhhhh.

i'm cranky and I need B before i die.
how am i gonna make it through today and tomorrow.
and my stupid phone batt keeps dying.
idiotic bane of technology.

this is one of those i told you about, when listening to 'creep' isn't such torture.

'breathless' is addictive.

we got that you hang up,
no you hang up kinda love.

2008-03-15T01:24:00.000+08:00

i miss Prarthana ):
it's been a month since i properly spoke to her.
well, good luck for your exams, my guardian angel.

i wish Ben and i could speak on the phone.
but she's busy.

'Breathless' stuck in my head.

2008-03-15T01:19:00.000+08:00

SUSHI. I WANT SUSHI.

that was a great way to start a post.
i realise my posts get less poetic as time goes by...
well, on here anyway.

i am a shadow
i know more than i should know
i know how everybody feels
about you, about me

i am a shadow
i disappear when i'm asked to
i come in always at the wrong time
i can't be seen by you

i am a shadow
i go in and out of walls
crafted from the very lies
i helped create myself

i am a shadow
but i'm not transparent
i don't exist
but your need for me is apparent.

i've been waxing lyrical these days about everything.
"Words, words are all i have to play with, my Lolita!"
not you luh, Bash.

oh yeah i realise 'cyclone' is by Baby Bash.
HAHAHA.
it feels weird knowing that.

step up today!
woot woot.
dance movies make me feel good.
and the music's good.
(SHXT. I AM BECOMING A HOE, 'ZY!)

Bachelor's here.
just one.
he bought Muthu's Curry for breakfast.
obviously forgetting my lactose issue.
but well, he also bought some chocolates so all is forgiven (:

i miss B!
loads.
infinitely much.
gahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
can die, i tell you.

Ashzy says my voice has changed.
yay, no more chipmunk voice!
HAHAHAHA.

i'm happy today.
damn contented.
((((((:

alright, i'mma go change now. i wanna dress like a prep!

because you live, girl
my world has twice as many stars in the sky.

2008-03-14T10:26:00.000+08:00

why is 'homosexual content' mentioned under the ratings?
no wonder people are so homophobic.

well guess what, i'm a black triangle. smite me.

2008-03-14T10:25:00.000+08:00

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fxcking special...
I wish I was special.

thanks to Mike for the intro to the song.

my dad bought me an Auschwitz DVD from BBC. great, i totally wanna see people being tortured because it makes me feel THAT much better.

i can't figure out just what to do, when the cause and cure is You.

2008-03-14T10:20:00.000+08:00

haven't blogged in a while... ah well.

i love sumaiya.
more than you'd ever believe.
she doesn't offer me truth on a silver platter, she offers me truth in all its painful, stinging glory.
but that's what i want, what i need.

i miss ben alot.
saw her for only ten mins or so today...
my partner.
my bestfriend.
my sunshine.

i initially wrote out a poetry post.
but, whatever. scratch that.
i can't be poetic right now.
the stanzas didn't rhyme.

no tickets?
never mind.

rebel, cheer up kay.
don't be angry.
anyway, if you stage a rebellion, i'm with you all the way.

fuck this, i seriously miss Ben.

bachelors tomorrow = fun. they owe me champagne jelly anyway. but oh yeah, my dad's coming along.

2008-03-11T10:04:00.000+08:00

amours, amis dans mes photos
personne ne souris.

today was good.
yeah.
not much to say.
not here anyway.
i miss Ben still so much.
she owes me a movie.
i need to talk to her so bad.
and yeah.
i'm feeling good (:

27 March.
cannot waittttttt.

2008-03-10T09:30:00.000+08:00

every window in Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco.

it takes a true optimist to understand that.

2008-03-10T09:24:00.000+08:00

i can't believe you were the one,
to build me up and tear me down.

i'm extremely sleepy. UGH. i guess Chem just puts me to sleep, right on top of my notes too! grrr. honestly, i'll be glad once sec 4 is done. then again, i'll probably be weeping at farewell assembly. still, for now, i'll be a cynical teenager.

omg, carissa's ipod has like... so many bands i don't know. almost all. HAHA. she's got more music knowledge than a jukebox. i bet even itunes doesn't have half those bands.

uncle Wei's baby was so cute. it looks JUST like him. omg. and he laughs so much. i love babies who always laugh/smile/gurgle, it's adorable. i don't like brats who only want like food or tv or whatnot. when i'm older, if i do have a kid or so, they are not gonna watch tv every day. and they are not gonna whine. i'll take care of that. then again, me and kids? HAHA. Bash reckons they're gonna be screwed in the head by the time playschool ends.

I LOVE THE RYANS. they're so sweet. aww, i wanna go to Belgium at the end of the year. if not i'll just stay here and get an internship. but then i won't be able to get my hair dyed ): ah, que sera, sera, we'll see what happens next.

okay, Sidra's a little scaryyy......

i miss WSMS so terribly much. see, when i'm sleepy i start missing everything and everyone. it sucks. i feel damn lonely too, to the extent i called Prarthana to disturb her in the middle of her exam mugging. if she fails French, it is so my fault.

and i miss Ben too!
(that's nothing new though.)

she wrote the most honest testimonial ever... it's scary how she knows me so well.

craving badly for Mexican. i want my quesadillas. with extra sour cream and guac, please. ughh.

Nico's supposed to come online and tell me what happened on Friday, when they practiced without me... apparently Nigga finally killed his pick doing the slide thing. that said, he can play 'Seize The Day' by A7X. not bad. as far as i know, Chant doesn't have her drums yet, so she's gonna use the small set.

i was so bored i went on Quizilla today and pretended to care about the Grand Canyon being older than initially thought. all i remember thinking was,"That's a hell lot of signboards that need changing now."

dad's coming back from Vegas tomorrow. i wish i went to Vegas too. not for the pretty pictures/scary girls/hot gondoliers, but just for the atmosphere. Vegas is like Paris, only not as classy and all. it's more dirty and more... dangerous? but i like it.

i wanna go to Escape Theme Park.

What's wrong with me and these cravings!

i realise my blog skin looks infinitely egoistic, BUT, it's a nice picture and i was dying to try out the Photobucket editing tools. to little avail. HAHA. Ash says the guilty smile makes the picture look endearing. my god, how does she even know that word! :P

maybe you don't realise what's happening. stop using me. stop using me for everything. i'm not your fan club. i will NEVER be. so start treating me like a human, and maybe we'll be as close as we once were.

okay, back to Physics.

AHHHH, ASHZY'S ONLINE! :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
physics can wait.

& i never thought i'd doubt you,
i'm better off without you.

2008-03-09T11:33:00.000+08:00

la vie en rose.

TODAY WAS A BETTER DAY THAN ANY OTHER.

that half hour or so really made my day (:

and i bought a cool new bag.

and then i came home and Sidra's practically dying to meet me after a year. so thursday. hmm. should be interesting, since she still thinks i'm straight and beautiful and everything. HAHA. no wait, i'm still beautiful.

♥♥♥♥♥♥

i'm very very happy today, that's all i can say. it's a leap of faith to say this, but i'm quite sure, NOTHING is gonna go wrong today. even if it does, i probably won't even notice. that's how happy the day has made me.

i like this hair!

but then i'd have to straighten my hair, which would make me look like :/

OMFG I LOVE THIS, I WANT THIS.

oh, gosh it's so cute.

alrighty, i'm gonna go find something to eat now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMOBOY! :DD

2008-03-06T11:48:00.000+08:00

OH, CRUD.
SHE WON OHIO AND TEXAS.
OH, CRUD.
OH, CRUD.
OH, CRUD.

Oh god, please Mr O WINNNN!

Okay, that was passionate election fever. HAHA.

not much to say again today. 'casse comme du verre' is stuck in my head. GAH.

i think my piercing's sorta bleeding. some cute Israeli kid in the bus knocked into me. he was forgiven the second he smiled but it hurts like crazy. ow. ow. ow.

next week's the holidays )): i should be happy, but...

and we're getting report books tomorrow?
and Chem SPA.
ugh, be prepared for a horrible day, Kim.

and oh yeah.
FIREWORKS.
FIREWORKS.
yeah i smiled like an idiot...
... til your stupid umbrella turned upside down and all the rain dripped onto my shoulders!
and then i froze almost to death in class.
oh, well. i miss you loadssss.

& i can't, i can't stop my breathing in
i'm weak and you are my medecine
won't stop til i am under your skin.

BASH BASH BASH!
i found brownies to rival yours!
HAHA.
kidding luh, they only taste good cause Katt made them with crack in it, she said. HAHA.

David Archuleta's rendition of 'another day in paradise' was so emotional.
he's damn good.
but yeah he is getting rather depressing.
i mean, wouldn't it be fun to hear him sing a sweet song for once?

gotta go do a maths now. BYEE.

tell me have you ever really
really, really ever loved a woman?

2008-03-05T11:10:00.000+08:00

Ma déception se maquille en noir
Le silence me console
Mes certitude et mes espoirs
Tout s’en va, tout s’en vole

J’ai des couteaux dans mon dos
Pas vu venir
Ton sourire me fait souffrir
Sa tue les mots

[refrain]
Et pour ce monde je suis trop fragile
Je me casse comme du verre
Mes tours s’écroule ma vie s’effille
S’imbibe de ma colère

Je me casse comme du verre

Ma vie ne dure que cinq minutes
Après c’est comme un film
On a déjà écrit ma chute
Mon bonheur sur un fil

Je tombe de haut
Et reste assis
Amour, amis sur mes photos
Personne ne souris

[refrain]
Et pour ce monde je suis trop fragile
Je me casse comme du verre
Mes tours s’écroule ma vie s’effille
S’imbibe de ma colère

Je me casse comme du verre

Mes repères
Mes racines
Cherche une place sur la terre

[refrain](x2)
Et pour ce monde je suis trop fragile
Je me casse comme du verre
Mes tours s’écroule ma vie s’effille
S’imbibe de ma colère

Je me casse comme du verre

i post lots of lyrics nowadays, BUT, i think it's just cause i've got nothing useful to say.

2008-03-05T11:08:00.000+08:00

i don't hate you, and i don't think badly of you. you're still my friend. i'm just a little hurt, besides which i think you should get a Prozac or two. ~~or like, three hundred.~~

ben was damn funny today. she's really quite an awesome dancer. she leaps around with such vivacity. my sunshine. HAHA. ew, i can't believe i said that. then again, she held my hand today and it didn't even feel weird (btw i am NOT gay with Ben). lol. she's getting girlier by the day, i swear.

then went out with Sum for more juvie activities (: HAHA. not really luhh. was very tempted to redo my third one, but i gotta let it heal first. but i think second is good enough. idk. MS V HAS A SECOND ONE TOO.

then we came back to school for the emo debator, who was actually the very hungry emo debator (: missssss her. but she was still emo (ish).

gah, so got back the last of CT results today. not too bad, i'm quite pleased. by no means am i satisfied, but i improved i guess. except for sciences. what is it with me and science? i'm just incompetent. oh well. nvm nvm, mye coming so yeah, i gotta study. but i feel so slack now! and besides Solitaire's very addictive.

oh gosh, i LOVE Priscilla! :DDDDD her songs are so catchy. but most of them are remakes. hmm. i haven't heard the original, so i can't compare, but it sounds good.

OMG GIUSEPPE'S DEAD.

David Archuleta's such a good singer. (sorry, am on YouTube so being very random)

I WANNA WATCH A MOVIE. i don't care which one, i want to ):

EW THIS IS GROSS! http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20080304/ten-idol-stripper-5e343d7.html
ew.

idol reminds me how many whacks there are in the world.

but he's a good singer. at least, for 'Papa Was A Rolling Stone'. good song. but i can't find the mp3.

still i am rooting for DAVID ARCHULETA! and BROOKE WHITE! they're so likeable.

bleh, holidays next week :/ and two blood tests. ugh, how fun. i don't mind blood tests, but i always feel weak after that. for a while.

a voir pour se degager un peu : (and Bash i know you secretly love her songs HAHA, faggg.)

2008-03-04T12:28:00.000+08:00

i miss Ben. i want my partner back. smiling at her from "across the aisle" don't cut it. i want to hear her voice constantly playing like background musak again. forever.

i feel damn emo. what a simplistic way of putting it. emo isn't the right word. betrayed? hurt? angered? what about a word to describe all of those at the same time? that would be it. it fxcking hurts. you don't even know. i didn't cry, i won't cry, because i'll be just like you and i'll be a stone wall. why not? an eye for an eye. a broken heart, for a heart that can't break.

pardon my posting so many lyrics. i don't quite know what else to say.

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don’t want to need at all

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonigh

A falling star
Least I fall alone
I can’t explain what you can’t explain
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
~~It’s better that I see it through your eyes~~

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

[Chorus x2]

gahh. i need my Coke, i need my hug, and most of all, i need my...

i'm still very groggy and no one's talking to me and i can't even feel happy for my results, though i should. Prarthana would be proud of me, but i can't disturb her in the middle of her exams. shxt. i hate this not being able to let it all out. because i don't know what to feel anymore.

this sounds pathetic, but i almost wanna beg for you to apologise. sick huh?

2008-03-04T09:36:00.000+08:00

creds to idonttellyou.

I miss you like crazy and you don't even get it.
Thanks for saying what you did, it was the worse thing you could ever say to me and you did.
I'm not even gonna hide this because I simply can't be bothered to anymore.
I love you.

i wonder why i thought you could even give a fxck. you don't, don't deny it. it hurts alot but it's okay. i won't care a day more.

~~i thought i meant something.~~

monamour,ellememanquebeaucoup.

let's not be selfish,
did you really think i'd let you kill this chorus?

2008-03-03T05:52:00.000+08:00

I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

I don't want to be the one to blame
You like fun and games
Keep playing 'em
I'm just saying
Think back then
We was like one and the same
On the right track
But I was on the wrong train
Just like that
Now you've gottaa face the pain
And the devil's got a fresh new place to play
In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain
Every damn day is the same shade of grey

Hey
I used have a little bit of a plan
Used to
Have a concept of where I stand
But that concept slipped right out of my hand
Now I don't really even know who I am
So, what do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

Back then, I thought you were just like me
Somebody who could see all the pain I see
But you proved to me unintentionally
That you would self-destruct eventually
Now I'm thinking like the mistake I made doesn't hurt
But it's not gonna work
Cause it's really much worse than I thought
I wished you were something that you were not
And now this guilt is really all that I got

You turned your back
And walked away in shame
All you got is a memory of pain
Nothing makes sense so you stare at the ground
I hear your voice in my head when no one else is around
What do I have to say
Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free
What ever happens to you, we'll see
But it's not gonna happen with me

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me

[bridge]

[chorus]
I guess
That this is where we've come to
If you don't want to
Then you don't have to believe me
But I won't be there when you go down
Just so you know now
You're on your own now believe me.

Kim's very sleepy.
and hungry.
and amused by Katt's deductions of everything that's happening.

Me : Some girl sent 'Shut Up And Drive' to me. Like, what the hell right. I mean...
Katt : Huh! She wants you to fxck her luh!
Me : WHAT. No, this girl's not really...
Katt : Yeah luh, who asked you to go cut your hair. Like trying to be a boy.
Me : I AM SO NOT. Shut up and...
Katt : DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE.
Me : No, shut up and do CHEMISTRY.
Katt : That sounds bad too.

lol. later.

2008-03-02T12:14:00.000+08:00

i've been ogling victoria secret models for the past hour or so... gahhh. omfg.

ALESSANDRA AMBROSIO. HOTHOTHOT.
http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/application/prodDisplay/?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=8K-223489&page=1&cgname=OSSWMNEWZZZ&rfnbr=3958

i want this, it's so pretty! you know i miss being a pretty girl. i feel like some effing transsexual. ugh. thankfully i'm gonna keep my fringe long and maybe channel some Rihanna... at least i'll feel a bit better.

http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/application/prodDisplay/?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=8K-219396&page=1&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198

and damn i wish i could look good in that, but oh well, maybe when i become a model i can get this dress *sniggers*. maybe for JC Prom. HAHA. can you imagine. but i already pictured wearing my mom's white, christine-in-phantom-of-the-opera-turns-slut dress with black stockings and red heels. and rocking the band. fat chance. anyway, how's this dress?

http://www2.victoriassecret.com/commerce/application/prodDisplay/?namespace=productDisplay&origin=onlineProductDisplay.jsp&event=display&prnbr=8K-189664&page=4&cgname=OSCLODRSBLK&rfnbr=3198

OKAY, BETTER GO SLEEP NOW.
i'm extremely sleepy.

un poco tarde.

2008-03-02T03:15:00.000+08:00

i could be mean,
i could be angry
you know i could be just like you.

parfois, je veux parler dans un langue que personne ne comprend sauf moi.
parfois, je veux pouvoir dire ce que je veux dire vraiment.

parfois, je te deteste.

toi, tu changes d'avis si souvent, tu dis des choses que je sais n'ont pas de substance. t'etais un de mes amis les plus proches. et je pensais, que tu t'en foutais un peu de moi. mais, non. tu ne me parles plus. tu m'ignores. tu es froid, tu es hostile. je suis seulement la pour te faire rire, oui? c'est ca. mais je ne le ferai plus. j'ai des autres. et ils ont besoin de moi. prends ma main, non. plus. je ne serai que quelqu'un dans la meme espace que toi, je te souris et te parle, mais, qui ne s'en fout pas... ta choix.

et elle me manque aussi beaucoup... que j'ai besoin d'elle.

jel'aime, jetelejure.

alright, french is starting now. so i'm getting off. bah, humbug. i'm freezing to death and i'm cranky because it's Saturday and...

mais amour, ou es-tu?

2008-02-29T09:20:00.000+08:00

not much to say, feeling rather down and all, so here's a survey because it's fun and mike's friend made it.

The "Never-Been-Asked-Before" Survey

1. Do you sleep with socks on or off?
Off.

2. Do you flip your pillow to the cold side?
No... Can't be bothered.

3. Do you like to hold or be held?
Be held.

5. Do you want a small or big wedding?
SMALL, PLEASE. I really don't like large groups.

6. What type of guys/girls do you usually go for?
Idk, I'm a variety sort of person. But I have it bad for good girls/guys right now. The sweet kind.

7. Would you rather be rich and unhappy or poor and happy?
Poor and happy... Because if I'm happy, it probably means I'm not THAT poor.

8. What are 3 things you want to do before you die?
Bungee jump, camp in Mexico under the stars like Che Guevara did, and attend (if not organise) a legendary political rally.

9. Have you ever churned Butter?
No.

10. Are you trusting of new people?
Yeah, quite.

11. If you could rate yourself as a good or bad friend on a scale from 1-10 (1 being the worst)?
Idk, depends on my mood. On a good day, 8. On a bad day, 2.

15. If your dream was to be a model and a big opportunity came up but you had to be nude, would you do it?
I guess, but I'll never have to really consider this.

16. You and your friends are going to do a senior prank. What would it be?
Replace the National Anthem with something dumb like Barbie Girl.

17. What is the most money you would spend on a pair of shoes?
Depends on how badly I needed them and how pretty they were.

18. What if you found out a loved one had cancer and had 5 days to live?
Give them everything they want, and settle their finances if I had to. I'm practical like that.

19. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
The one with the weirdest name.

21. Do you have more friends or more acquaintances?
Acquaintances. Doesn't everybody? It's the 6 degrees of separation thing.

22. If you could win a couple front row tickets to a game, any sport any team, what would it be?
WSMS vs WC!

23. Would you rather help someone out or be helped out?
Help someone.

24. If you had to choose to be a different religion than what you are now, what would it be?
I have none right now, but I'd have to say Buddhism.

25. If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?
Yeah, I guess. Even if I could have kids, I'd probably still adopt.

**The PAST**

1. Ever thrown up in public?
Yeah, motion sickness when my dad drove up to Big Bear.

2. Passed out because of alcohol?
No? Blacking out but not totally.

3. What's on your mind RIGHT NOW?
"Actually, I swear I did for a while."

**The FUTURE**

1. Would you take a bullet for anyone?
Some people

2. Where would you like to live?
France, if they get a new president. USA, if Obama wins. Here, if I feel like dying young.

3. What kind of house would you like?
Something not too big or small. Like, medium.

4. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Professor? Lawyer? Stripper? Idk.

5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Hopefully in Uni X, in Nanterre.

**IN GENERAL**

1. Do you like candy necklaces?
I used to, but they get all melty and make your neck sort of sticky and everything.

2. When's the last time you fell or ran into something?
Today? On the way home.

3. You still go trick or treating?
Wish I could.

4. What was the last thing you drank?
Water.

5. Who do you miss?
UH.

6. About how many people have you driven with?
What does this mean?

7. What are you doing this weekend?
Idk, band practice and then I think I have to go to Duke's house before he causes me to fial French.

8. Whats your favorite kind of soda?
Coke. One and only.

10. Last hug?
Uh, a good, proper one? Probably Sum.

11. How many times have you eaten sushi?
Loads.

12. What do you want to do right now?
Sleep.

13. Are you listening to music right now?
Yeah.

14. Are you with someone right now?
What kind of with?

16. How long until your birthday?
6 months and 2 days?

17. When were you the saddest in your whole life?
Nov - Jan 2008?

18. What time is it now?
5:08 PM

19. Do you think anyone will repost to this?
Don't think so.

20. What makes you pissed off?
Being grumpy.

21. Have you ever had a song written about you?
Yeah, oddly.

22. What song makes you cry?
"Blind" by Lifehouse.

23. What song makes you happy?
"My Band" by D12.

24. What do you like to listen to before you go to bed?
"Never Too Late" by Three Days Grace or "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab For Cutie.

26. What does Your CD player have in it right now?
Minus one for "Listen".

28. What makes you happy?
Mi amigos, y mi...

29. What makes you sad?
Stress and people crying.

30. Height?
160 cm?

31. Hair?
Black.

32. Piercings?
2 extra on left ear, and navel.

33. Tattoos?
None, for now.

34. What are you wearing?
Shirt, FBTs.

35. What taste is in your mouth?
Sourness? That always happens when I have dairy.

36. Do you have a bad habit?
Yup.

37.Something funny that happened today?
Ben still managed to wake me up from across the aisle. Idk, that made me smile.

i miss ben. not like i hate my new partner, but i hate being flciked by her hair and not being able to randomly grab her stuff. or being able to gaze at a nice looking side profile. or seeing Ben's smile. i hate being so far away from that little, mah nenek voice. i hate not being able to laugh at our private jokes. i hate having to entertain myself. i hate feeling like the whole class is just empty and dead.

i hate feeling this way.

blame it on the 3 hrs of sleep last night, my eyebags are more like eye-Samsonites.

American Idol was good though. David Archuleta is so amazing. omfg. my MOM said that if any man sang to her like that, she'd marry him on the spot. that sounds like something i'd say, huh? well, i'm my mother's daughter. crazy.

Sometimes it may rain
And sometimes it may pour
Oh yeah
But you always seem to bring me so much joy
People may not understand, but who cares
You're always right there
Please don't go nowhere.

2008-02-28T11:43:00.000+08:00

so what if you can see the darker side of me?

i felt rather emo just now but i'm fine now (: talk about being bipolar. i think it was e maths that was so depressing. i passed, but yeah well.

singing was fun. ladeeda.

someone got a smiley? HAHA. toopid. can you imagine getting a piercing and going up to some ghetto dudes and being like,'YO, I GOT A SMILEY, NIGGA, FO SHO.' that's so not hardcore. HAHA.

not much to say here. hmm.

oh, oh yeah, i want those Converse boots. NOWNOWNOW. and also, CIP @ SciCen. this Sat? but then my dad wants to spend time with us.

we're getting a new car to replace the SUV. but i liked it! still the new one's nice, it's just very... low. ultimately though, it has less bright headlights, and i like that cause i can't stand glaring lights.

off to finsih French. i ask myself how long it takes to write THREE PARAGRAPHS on a movie introduction, but then i remember, my class is full of idiots. that's mean. but it's true. and not like they even bothered to look up cinematographic terms, because they're THAT ignorant. i really should be a mafia boss. i'll be very enthusiastic.

soccer was damn fun today! BEN! HAHA. i miss that girl so muchhh ): really, she's like... a fresh ray of light everytime she so much as walks into class. my sunshine.

you, i miss youuuu.

ALRIGHT, END OF POST. back to work, honeys.

ASHLEY YOU'RE ADORABLE.

i won't try to philosophize,
i'll just take a deep breath and i'll look in your eyes.

2008-02-27T11:20:00.000+08:00

ASHLEY I'M JEALOUS.
I WANTED TO GO TO THE GAME.
DAMN YOUUUU.

& i heard they did a minute of silence for Cozad?
wow.

if i died, there'd be more talking.

2008-02-27T11:13:00.000+08:00

catholic school is vicious as roman rule
i got my knuckles bruised
by a lady in black
& i held my tongue
as she told me,"son, fear is the heart of love,"
so i never went back.

COZAD : i miss you. it's been 3 years already. wow. still, you made your choice and i'm sorry it came down to that... but wherever you are, i hope you are happier. cause, i'd have done anything to see you smile, make all that worth your while. i love you. that was never in question. and i'll be looking for you tonight.

Chem was horrible. i mean, their hints were so way off. then again, who asked me to be so gullible? sigh. really i hate being tricked by teachers. BUT IT ALWAYS HAPPENS, grrr.

luckily, the day was saved thanks to... A Maths. except for the Binomial and the proving question (both of which i got rather creative), the rest was doable. i did my graph twice though. that's what happens when you don't think ahead, you start using the wrong scale because you think you have so much space. HAHA. but i felt good after doing it, though it started with me being incredibly annoyed and having memorised the formulas to death/past death when they PROVIDED them on the paper. GAHH. it was one of those suicidal moments.

then i went out with two very crazy and adorable kids (: HAHA. it was damn fun. if there's one thing i'll miss about CGS, it's the fact that we can run out and do all this rubbish easily, instead of being in some middle-of-nowhere school. like the other CGS. Ew. what kind of countryside is that?

was very very very tempted to buy shoes today. but considering that the shoe cabinet is overflowing with female shoes, i decided against it. but i bought my FOB shirt (: and it's not Simon Cowell kind of tight, like my SOTY one. i want one for TAI and CIWWAF (sorry for all the abbreviations, i like bands with irritatingly long names).

i've finally figured out what to do with my hair. i'm gonna keep it longer. slightly longer. especially my fringe. hmm, idk. then Nico can't call me Ah Boy! what a loss. HAHA. but at least everyone will stop sayin i look andro. AND NO JH, I DO NOT HAVE EXTRA PARTS, THANK YOU.

watching movie with Ben tomorrow! (: YAYYAYYAYYAY. but it's sad, i mean my GRANDMA watched it before me. is that depressing or what. HAHA. still, BENIBEAR! i love this girl kayy. LOVE. i'm totally gonna cry when i leave the school. but i kinda cuddled her today thinking it was Bernice and MY GOD she got all tense again, it was damn cute! HAHA. sorry for molesting you though, didn't mean to. i was emotional, kay.

ah, shxt i have to do French now. i'm gonna get massacred for ditching it for the Airshow. but it was so worth it, my god you should all just go to the airshow. if anything but to ogle the, uh, tanks. HAHA.

come on baby we ain't gonna live forever
let me show you all the things that we could do
i know you wanna be together
& i wanna spend the night with you, with you
so come with me tonight,
we could make the night last forever, oh oh.

2008-02-26T06:54:00.000+08:00

i will be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on your wall.

UGH, that's all i can say. EM sucked big big big time. Physics wasn't so bad, except for the stupid well question which was, well. HAHA. me and my stupid puns.

today started off with laughing bouts. especially when Bel went,"Good morning, Asshole, Chairman Mao and Idiot." HAHA. it's mean and all and like, unjutsified, but it was kinda funny first thing in the morning. lol. rebellion without a cause prevails!

i think i've listened to 'everything we had' more time than i can stand. 90 over. my god. followed only by 'hum hallellujah' with like 60 over :/ Dad thinks i'm going mad cause of my putting everything on repeat.

last 2 tomorrow! i don't think i've ever studied this hard for CTs. last year, i mean, it didn't even occur to me. then again that's why i failed like, everything. HAHA. please, that won't happen again.

and, tomorrow going out (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((: as you can see, this makes me very very happy. i'm sorry but i'm not the kind who can ever say i'll study every day, because i can't. i can't even say studies are my top priority. i'm far more interested in just not going mad and becoming so totally zombie like so many people in this country.

EW, EXTRACTION OF IRON TESTED FOR CHEMISTRY. GROSS. GROSS. i hate that entire topic! and Ben and i came up with something to remember the EC series by, but i cannot remember it offhand.

better go and study now. and what sucks is that i didn't even see you today except in the morning and that was upsetting but hey, TOMORROW! ♥

so in love with Shaant's hair (CIWWAF lead singer). and the lead singer of TAI, OMFG SO SEXYYYYY. haha. he speaks so clearly, but it sounds not dorky. unlike my voice. and HAHA, yes Ash you can have the picture, with or without autograph? HAHA. jk (:

uptown girls are as good as going downtown,
or so suburban gents like me have been told
good as gold,
suburb allegiancy has got the best of me.

2008-02-25T07:58:00.000+08:00

CHANGED SKIN (: okay so the picture isn't great, but Ash likes the fact that you can only see like a quarter of my eye and it appears to be very very light brown. and yes, it's emo. sort of. i had half a mind to do it B&W but then it'd be wayyyyy too emo.

anyway, i like it much much, simply because i did it myself and that proves that i am not a total HTML moron, HAHA.

went for 6 hrs of tuition today. holy shxt i think i'm gonna lose my mind luh. yippee doo dah.

what's with me and acoustic/country music. geez. i've listened to 'everything we had' 90 times and 'every rose has its thorn' 35 times and 'i will follow you into the dark' like, 40+ times. i guess metal is very... blood-pumping. like if i played ruggy ball with 'turns to ashes' in the background, i might just break someone's neck tackling them :/

don't feel like going for sports heats! i mean, i'm so obviously gonna be the anticlimax of the team. well, me and Z. not like everyone else is THAT sporty but compared to me...!

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told you
And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway.

Your voice is small and fading
And you're hiding here unknown
And you mother loves your father
'cause she's got nowhere to go
What's the point in never trying?
Nothing's changing anyway.

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
'cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
You're not listening anyway.
- credits to fisheyelenses, SKS

i'm sorry for being pissed at you this past week or so. i just feel like something's gone wrong, something's not right... somehow there is something in the air between us that chokes the words out of us. i don't know, i'm being too analytical again. i just wish i knew what was wrong, why are you so different around me nowadays. so cold. so distant.

You were the only face I'd ever known
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
& only as bright as you wanted me to be
But I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
& I do regret more than I admit
You have been followed back to the same place
I sat with you drink for drink,
Take the pain out of love, and then love won't exist.

i'm in a lyrics mood :/ YIKE. expect some emo-ness to surface later once the endorphins of the curry have worn off. and the taquitos. and whatever else junk i managed to consume n the space of 2 days.

sometimes all i can rely on is that Coke to bring me through the day.

that should be the new tagline for Coke if it decides to promo to the emo population.

i found out today that he's actually in GenPop. right. that's so not unexpected.

i really have to go and do past year EM CT paper. but cannot luhh. i'm feeling so very. distracted by this song, and these pictures.

ughh, Bash. if you're reading this, i'd like to know why you sound so bloody pissed at me. what did i do this time?

2008-02-24T09:40:00.000+08:00

i'm having a very weird internet convo right now. priyah/ben. HEH. this is weird.
wait why the fxck does she want me to listen to shut up and drive.
HEH.
this is only getting odder.
WHAT IS THE POINT OF TELLING ME SHE WANTS ME TO DRIVE.
DRIVE WHERE.

HUH!

i'm very weirded out, as you can tell.

oh yeah. airshow.

IT WAS A BLAST. AMAZINGINCREDIBLECOOL. omfg.

met Nico, Nug, Chantal, Timmy, Lau Cha Boh (however it's spelt) early in the morning. went around collecting badges (got a very very cool rifle one!) and eating ice cream. then, we went to the Israeli AF "chalet" for catered food and coke. Nig and i made a fool of ourselves by asking for a "non-alcoholic cocktail". IT WAS MY MOM'S IDEA, i swear!

then we saw the display. they didn't do a Missing Man formation for Mongol. but they did loads of other stuff. the Black Knights are damn awesome (: the Aussies were good too, but their planes have no power. like, they have that meowing sound. but not the full blast. still, it all looked very smooth.

great escape played at the climax. i thought about you. then they formed, strangely, a heart formation.

then we went off to get more badges and ended up 'fighting' in the flight simulators at the Boeing stall. then we went to the Rafael one, and conversed about warfare in french. lol.

ended up with 10 of us being crushed in the car, and i had to sit on Nig, whose chest sweat stuck to my back and it was so disgusting i tell you. and Chantal's arm sweat was on mine. oh, gosh. EW.

aww, Ben (: that made me laugh. i really don't want to be separated from you. not now, not ever. i dread JC because if we don't end up in the same school, same class, same seating arrangement, i might just go permanently emo.

i'm on a high.

(you are my) great escape.

2008-02-23T13:27:00.000+08:00

there's so much left to learn,
and no one left to fight
i wanna hold you high,
you steal my pain away.

2008-02-23T13:25:00.000+08:00

first let me help Visa and say BUY LIME MAGAZINE. there's some CD on it for like $3, AC is on it and so are a bunch of other bands (: maybe Leeson, who you should totally check out, and CigSex, and Valentine's Letter (hopefully). so yeah. BUY.

omg, today was FUN.

went to school as per normal, seeing as mi madre doesn't know about CTs. then totally waltzed out of the school and got toally pleased with myself. in being so pleased, went down to Cheers to buy a Greeh Tea for absolutely no reason other than spending money. then went to wait for JH outside the gate, looking like a hobo. HAHA. then we went to Macs to 'study' and basically chow on hotcakes and the works til like, 9. went to school feeling extremely energetic, god knows why.

i don't know about y'all, but i know about us,
& it's the only way we know how to rock.

then geog. omg, i was so scared i'd fail, so i was extra thorough and wrote like ALOT ALOT ALOT for all the questions. and the LORMS question sounded freakishly literary in nature, so yeah, let's just say it was... fun.

then found K. went to library, again to 'study', during which time K took an interest in DH Lawrence's, shall we say, interesting texts. HAHA. it was a blast. like, best half hour or so of the month. and then went back to class for Lit...

... which was rather effortless. not to brag or anything, but i managed to write alot. and very comprehensively. i was paranoid this whole CTs because of what happened last year, but all in all, i'm feeling way too damn good for anything to go wrong.

try.and.stop.me.

TOMORROW I AM GOING TO THE AIRSHOW :DDDDDDDDD

be jealous, ladies.

and i'm going with my cousins! ♥ omfg the Black Knights are performing. okay, they're not Blue Angel standard, but hey they're good enough. i'll try to get some good pics of my cousins. especially pretty pretty Chantal (: lol. i can't WAIT.

just had 4 hrs of tuition, okay more like PURE AND POISONOUS TRIGO, and so i'm high. ironic. but y'know, i'm just relieved to be home and drinking my Milo and not getting a stomacache (:

i've decided, i shall just stop giving a fxck about you. you don't do it for me, so why should i bother? friendship isn't a take and not give thing. and you know, i thought you cared. even a BIT. like, even if i needed to talk to you. but no. just as well, i have found others to trust and others who really love me. not as some, one time best friend, one time crush, one time confidante, one time cheerer-upper, no. people who love me for ME. i'm just sorry i thought you were... special.

you want to be dressed in poetry,
but imagery doesn't fit
& you want resizing
but darling dear, get a grip.

addicted to Death Cab For Cutie. omg, what a cute song 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark' is. and also, Poison's 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn'. it's country, but well, so shoot me.

if heaven and hell decide
that they're both satisfied
illuminate the 'no's on their 'vacancy' signs
and if there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
then i'll follow you into the dark.

it's all about you,
it's all about you baby.

2008-02-22T09:03:00.000+08:00

the absolute beginners, well there's not much they wouldn't do
they want love, love, love with the minimum fuss
but summer's almost over
so it's lust, lust, lust in the back of the bus
they're getting that much closer.

i love Leeson (: local band but so what. they're so chirpy and chill. HAHA. even Nico likes them okay. Mr Spliknot/SoaD.

i'm jealous.
because while i am sitting here downloading physics powerpoints, Ash, Tripp, Jazz and Antho are all going to the Wildcats game against Wigwam as SOPHOMORES. jealous! i so wanted to do that but i was just an 8th. gosh. maybe i'll make it back to do it in senior year HAHA (:

wow i must say i'm showing a surprising interest in the elections. not Kosovo, i mean the US. i guess politics runs in the blood. and also because i know that whoever's the new president has ALOT to do for the country. it ceased being the land of the free and home of the brave like, ages ago. i'd vote for Obama. he's so eloquent, how could i not? though i must say Clinton looks promising, still i think she has a ways to go in politics before she's president material. then again, all those delegates can't be wrong. WHY DO I EVEN CARE!

... mccain is starting to sound like Sarko, with all the romance things. yikes. okay if anyone official finds my blog and who i am, i'm screwed. lol.

making your heart stop,
just before you hit the floor.

i wanna buy chalk and do like M (: FREEDOM. haha. but you know, i don't want anymore of it on my shirt (thanks Kiren :P).

yesterday i dropped Ben's shell, and i swear i almost bawled cause i thought it broke. but it didn't. just some glitter fell off. but then again, anything Ben gives me, can't break (: except her stupid pencil lead. HAHA.

sometimes i don't know why i am still so patient with you. you just walk away half the time, you don't even answer all my messages and everything. i don't get why i care. you seem to just like me for some ulterior motive and it hurts, and you can't buy me over. i'm not like that. i wish you'd give a shxt about me and not just insult me all the damn time. but you know, never mind, i'm still here and i always will be. you just better hope i don't hit you.

i'm a phase, but so what?

and you. gosh. how many years has it been, and you still sound the same. so why is it there's a side of you you hide from me? i wanna know YOU, and i mean all of you. not just the sweet, polite one. be a bxtch, in front of me. scream in front of me. you're my best friend and i guess i just hate having to be like, your lifelong anticlimax. i'm sorry for being so aggravated with you, but i... miss you.

ALESANA ROCKS. yay (: Part II of Kim spreads her influence involves infecting everyone with Alesana fanaticism. HAHA.

shxt i should be studying Geog now, seeing as i screwed up SS in a HUGE and UNFUNNY way. but Leeson! and my ipod needs to charge.

talk about prioritising.

but every time i see you cry,
it makes me wanna die.

2008-02-21T10:36:00.000+08:00

OMFG, SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS ANDRO.

and Neha's being sick.

... wait til Bashir gets back, then you'll see! :PPPPPPP

2008-02-21T10:33:00.000+08:00

waiting, for this life to change
feels like it's taking me forever.

over CNY, i met up with an old family relation... a guy who used to work, get drunk, and otherwise share in all the AF experiences with my dad. today, he died.

i don't know why i'm so shocked.

i guess it's scary to be alive one minute, and dead the next. i've never been afraid of death - not my own, anyway - but for some reason nowadays i keep clinging on to my life. more than ever. i don't know, now i just feel like i should be alive... i don't want this to end so quickly. suicide's the furthest from my mind as it has been in the past 5 years of my life, but i see no point in it anymore.

i realise, nothing's broken.

and my grandma's death anniversary is tomorrow. she was a strong woman, but most of all, she was a woman who'd seen it all - i wish i could be like her. ready for everything, disappointed by nothing, unstoppable and unattainable.

cozad's death anniversary's on tuesday. there's so much i wish i could've said to him, how i was in love with him, and in love with his eyes, and in love with his sadness. he was beautiful, he was beautiful in all his sorrow. and he never hid his feelings. no matter what. and i wish i could be like him too, because he wasn't afraid of others seeing him cry, and he wasn't afraid of letting me know he loved me... because he never, ever doubted me. cozad, i miss you. but i've learnt to let go.

"the world is a beautiful place, believe me. just because i don't see it anymore doesn't mean you shouldn't."

today very very emotional. idk why. i was just, emotional. Zan sent me a sweet letter, and S said some of the most touching things i've heard recently, and i was happy to see her smile again, but i was... falling apart. inside. seeing Ben smiling at me, i miss sitting with her. i wish i knew what she was smiling about. i'm sorry Bernice, but well i get jealous so badly when i see you guys laughing to yourselves. i guess Ben was everything i had once upon a time, and she has a place in my heart no one else can ever take, ever. i just want her back.

it's all i want, to see your face every day.

furthermore, Bashir. oh, Bashir. why do you have to be so nice to me? i wish i could say,"Don't wait for me, move on, I'm not worth it." but part of me hopes you'll wait. i can't say i'm worth it, but you're the only one who's ever taken such a huge chance on me. for so long. at such a young age. and how could i not love you? i'm sorry to keep you waiting, but i just want to heal. i haven't healed from anything starting from Cozad, til now. that whole time frame of my life has been a whirlwind, and it's not stopping.

& i don't know why
you'd even try, but i won't lie.

Castro's finally quitting. THANK GOD.

that was random.

oh yeah, CT tomorrow. i'm sad that there's no compo. haven't you heard? words are all i live for, and all i live by.

however, trigo's not.

which is why i'm off. BYE FAITHFUL READERS.

(ps : we hardly speak, but the glances i steal. gosh i adore you. really, let's get married.)

INLOVEWITHALESANA, THANKYOUKATTANDTHANKYOUNICO, ILOVEYOU (:

the only eyes you'll look into,
are those in your reflection.